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How to cope and carry on

lostsister
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Hi everyone, I feel a bit nervous doing this but I'm completely lost. My sister has been diagnosed with an aggressive but we are told curable cancer. It is being treated by radiotherapy and chemotherapy now but I know the side effects will get worse. Although I really try, I guess I'll never understand the fear of fighting a life threatening illness and the pain from the side effects. I've tried to be there for her as much as I can whilst trying to carry on in everyday life and hold down my job. Unfortunately she's been consistently aggressive, hurtful and pushes me away. I really can't say or do anything right. I've moved past these occasions for months now and always tried to be understanding and supportive as I'm worried sick about her but unfortunately I've reached a stage where mentally, I can't take anymore. I'm seeing a counsellor and although he has helped me get through this so far, I feel I've reached my limit right now. I can't help when I feel as low and anxious as I do right now, and when she just won't let me. But along with that comes guilt for needing to check out. 

I don't know what I'm seeking to achieve from this post. Perhaps some idea if anyone else faced this, how they felt and how they handled their emotions? How they got through it and still supported the person suffering? 

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    Hi there ...

    So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... cancer trys to take everything away from us ... I have been in the same situation you are now ... my sister has vascular dementia... although she doesn't have to go through chemo, it is as devistating as with dementure,  they don't recover .. there is never a good outcome .. my sister changed from the matrach of our family ... where we all adored her and the respect was second to none .. she never raised her voice or swore ...

    As the dementure took more and more of her, she would be very hard to be around .. and often we'd end up in tears when home, because it touched all our hearts .. her most used word became (go away) think you can guess ... that has lasted years .. 

    We coped by having a brake .. knowing when we saw her , it wasn't my sister saying those things, it was the dementure ... we tried not to go alone .. it was so much easier having someone else there .. her daughter, who is the most amazing daughter ever .. hardly missed a day, even though she got it most of the time .. she managed as her words were, my mum's looked after me from the day I was born ... now its my turn to look after her ..

    As a sister, I had to stop going for about a month .. as my heart couldn't take no more ... but now, my sis can't get out of bed .. and I can go and sit next to her, hold her hand .. and she's back to her old wonderfull self .... 

    So I'd say ... give yourself a break when you need it, then you'll be stronger when you see her .. know it's not her it's the cancer, making her angry and sad ...  know it's not you .. try not to feel guilty .. we are ruled by our hearts .. and hearts hurt ... be kind to your self .. and when she's angry at you, go .. even if you just got there .. and somewhere deep down, she'll realise if she's hurtful, people go ..  

    Sending positive thoughts ... Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thanks Chrissie. My sister is the same, almost head of the family, life and soul, supportive etc... obviously all of those things have gone, hopefully just for now. I can cope with the illness, it's the being pushed away that's killing me. Also some things she says to me are so deliberately hurtful. She knows me and she knows it'll destroy me inside. That makes me angry then I feel guilt for the anger. I try to remind myself it's not her, it's the cancer, but the comments seem so deliberately hurtful. I'm finding it hard to not dislike her which is an awful feeling at a time like this. 

    I'm so pleased your sister in treating you better and I've heard similar stories about dementia. Sounds awful.

    I really appreciate your message. It brought tears to my eyes to read an understanding message as I don't feel I'm getting much support. I'm by no means selfish and glad my sister has the support she needs but I do feel alone and lost. I can't escape the pain in my heart. 

  • Offline in reply to lostsister

    Your thread could have been mine .. my sisters15 years older then me, and helped bring me up ..  I know, knowing it's the condition not the person helps but doesn't take the pain away ..  I dreaded every visit, knowing how it would more then likely end .. 

    They are normal feelings, please don't feel guilty .. we do what we can .. and stepping away sometimes does not mean we love them less ... I'm here most days .. if you need to chat and sometimes I've cryed .. and cussed and got out those feelings .. only then could I move forward .. I told myself it's o.k to feel anything .. it's how we move forward ... and sadly it's getting far more common now ... cancer and dementure .. I've had my journey with breast cancer .. and I've told those I love, if I get in the possisition of being angry .. to just go ... and only come back when I'm calmer ... I'm sure that's how our sisters would feel, if they were their old selfs ...

    So hold on in there .. your stronger then you know ... your not alone .. this comes up quite a lot on here .. I see the difference from some who just don't understand it and get angry too .. and those like yourself that have tried and given as much as you can .. be kind to you ... Chrissie xx

     

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