Hi it's ok you rant away....I dont know how we are going to get through this....my partner ...who cant swallow do had to have feeding tube put into stomach just over week ago...next day he got an Infection....hes had nothing but bad news and all the while more and more weight dropping off him. Hes 6ft 4 and now is only 4lbs heavier than me. So hes been in hospital over a week now bit coming home tomorrow....I think we've turned a corner. He has second round of chemo and 1st immunotherapy on Friday. I just want this cancer to stop pressing on his throat so he at least can eat a lovely meal and drink that cold glass of water he so desperately craves. It's all happened so quick ....a couple of months ago we both celebrated our 50th and were making plans for a great holiday and now I dont even know if he will be here in the summer. I walk down the road and something will set me off and I'm crying my eyes out in the street. Anyone who asks how he is ....I start crying, I thought I was going to grow old with this man and now I'm so scared.

Hi Coopz

I completely understand everything you have said here.

I have just got back from the hospital having been there since 8.30 this morning as my hubby was having a liver biopsy - what a horrible procedure it was. I stayed with him throughout and watching him endure it was torture - my poor man.

Like yours my husband was what seems like just a few days ago a fit, strong, 19 Stone Mountain, personality just as big as his frame. now I see a frail, stooped , gaunt old man and it breaks my heart.

I try to stay positive but it's so hard when you watch somebody deteriorating in front of your eyes.

I will be watching something on the tv and suddenly think " the last time I watched this we didn't have cancer " or I will wear something and think " the last time I wore this we were normal " , honestly I feel like I'm going mad with grief .

Like you I feel,so scared of a future without him and so bloody angry too .

We have three girls, all grown up now that have been amazing and I know we are blessed to have them but I can't talk to them in this way as I can't burden them with my pain when they are suffering their own.

Anyway on a practical note now the biopsy has been carried out we have to wait at least two weeks for his pneumonia to fully clear and then we can start chemo. I am holding out such hope that this will bring him back to me , even just for a time - something is better than nothing eh ?

I do hope your darling man also improves and you do get to go on your lovely holiday - our eldest girl is getting married in Turkey in August and we are praying we can make it - I know he will fight tooth and nail to be there .

Thank you for allowing me to vent - I can't tell you how helpful it has been to be able to share and unload to someone who is sadly in the same *** boat x

Let me know how your partner is doing and of course yourself .

Paula 

Thankyou for your message....you dont know how much it helps to talk to someone in similar circumstances. My man was due his second round of chemo and 1st round if immunotherapy today...we got to hospital and it turns out he was supposed to be prescribed steroids to take yesterday and this morning. Well he wasnt and they had to cancel the session and rearrange for Monday. He was very angry as someone has cocked up somewhere....this is also what upsets me...he seems to vent his anger at me a lot if the time. He always apologises and I say its fine but I honestly feel like I'm going to go mad with all this. I'm trying to be strong for him ....I just wish for even a little bit of normality, like you say just a bit of his old self to come back to me. He seems to have relaxed a bit now....hes had me massaging his feet for the last hour!!! So hope he will keep his spirits up over weekend and hope everything goes well on Monday. Please keep in touch.....you can rant and rave to me anytime.

Hi and no worries you too feel,free to rant .

What a bummer that they made a f**k up no wonder he's angry. The thing is you build yourself up and when it doesn't happen how you envisaged it throws you upside down.

Matt is still in hospital with pneumonia which is getting slightly better each day but he has now developed a blood clot so not looking to come out until,next week which is really getting his goat - and who takes the brunt of his frustration - yep me !
I know it's just a case of raging at the safest option and you always lash out at the one you love the most but it still gets to you .

Hes been in since Saturday and I have been up and down to that blasted hospital 2 or three times a day between keeping house , walking dogs, shopping , getting all he needs / wants and to be honest I'm shattered !

And I'm so tired -  dont know about you but I can sleep for max 4 hours and then bang ! Wide awake and those are the worse hours - my goodness to the dark thoughts and demons pounce .

The fear and worry are overwhelming.

 But you try to stay strong whatever that is - tell everyone who asks that you're ok, getting by blah, blah blah but it's crap - I feel like I did when I was 3 and lost my mum in BHs - *** terrified!

Anyway, our friends went to visit tonight so for the first time in a week I'm having a night off - some wine and catching up with mindless tv and I'm trying not to feel too guilty .

This is going to be a horrendous bloody journey for the both of us but at least we can rage at each other - I have never felt so alone so a confidant is so appreciated.

I hope they sort out your hubby's treatment for him and unlike mine that his toenails are not so gross that rubbing his feet is somewhat bearable for you

Matt has his first oncology visit next Friday so hoping something positive come from that.

It's so wonderful to be able to offload and don't hesitate to do the same if you need to.

Every thought with you both TIL,next time

Paula xx

Hi Ladies

Up to visit hubby this morning and he is talking absolute gibberish -I've got to catch a flight - he will be catching a later one - have to bring daughter home to tidy her room - she bought her own place and moved out 2 years ago !

Hurried CT scan tonight as they think cancer has spread to brain - oh dear god what else ?
 

Results in morning - can only think we must have been some horrific characters in a previous life

My husband is 48 with a recent diagnosis of stage 4 cancer.  I sat in the ward whilst he was off for a scan and just blubbed. He too was the youngest on the ward.  This is all new to us so we are learning as we go along.  Stay strong x

Hi Hope

We are all on the same s*dding awful journey here so feel free to rant, chat, cry, rage - whatever and we are here for you xxxxxxx

Hi Hope

Its such a rollercoaster. We all need each other to rant to.

My hubby has blood tests tomorrow before his Chemo/Immuno/targetted therapy starts on Monday.

Let the fun begin!!!   

We're all here for you lovely

Jo

Sorry for late reply my nan has been givenv2 weeks to live....he started coughing up blood and is now ai weak he cant walk.  They admitted him on Wednesday and done scans next day  cancer has spread to his liver and they have stopped treatment. So now we are just deciding whether to bring him home to die or go to hospice.  I feel numb ....how will I get through this....I'm so scared