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Dealing with Dad’s cancer

Bluebird72
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Hi there, 

I'm new to the forum, my dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last year and was told he had 12 months. Initially he took the news well and carried in as normal, thankfully he doesn't have too many physical symptoms. At the time I suggested he not ask what time he had left because I didn't think it would be helpful but he insisted, now he regrets it. 
 

He didn't want to be bothered with Christmas, I suppose he things it will be his last and everyday now he keeps saying things like, there's no point does this etc, or why do I care I won't be here much longer. My mum and I are trying to be positive and supportive but he really doesn't care. I'm suggested he speak to some but I get the usual reply, what's the point, there's nothing they can do. I also think my mums starting to go into denial, there's a difference between being positive and not accepting what's happening. The more he goes on about don't worry I wouldn't be here much longer, the more she pretends it's not happening. 
 

I'm trying my best to support both of them, the have always had a dysfunctional relationship at the best of times and it's like the are both so preoccupied with themselves neither one wants to admit the other is suffering, afraid or upset. I've tried talking to both of them but both get angry and accuse me of taking sides, I do try and explain there are no sides, all we can do is try and make the best of a difficult situation. 
 

I visit everyday, do their shopping, pay bills, banking, sort medication, take them to doctors, hospitals etc. My dad is in his late 70's and mum early 80's. Both able to get out and about and my dad meets up with friends a few times week. But it's just the constant tension between them, like I said it wasn't happy house before his diagnosis and it's getting worse. Neither of them will talk to anyone because they just blame each other, I'm trying my best to keep the peace but I'm finding it very draining. Strangely enough no one asks how I'm coping, they are too busy having petty arguments. 
 

anyone else in a similar situation ?  

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    Hi Bluebird, I was my Dads carer when we found out he had lung cancer September 2017. We had great contact with Macmillan nurses and they were brilliant. I hope you have contact with them, if so, maybe voice your concerns to them and they can, in their own special way, help the situation and ease things for you all. It is most definitely a very hard and trying time for you all. My mum didnt like me caring for my dad, she said it was her job, and often tried to push me away, she was not in best health herself and definitely needed the help. I do not regret all I did for my dad, I did it without hesitation, even though it caused a heap of issues within the family. I really hope you can get the help you need, I am here I'd you need to chat. The Macmillan nurses have seen it all and are very experienced in matters like these caused by cancer diagnoses.  Please please reach out to them, dont stop doing what you are doing. If you stop you may regret it. Love to you 

  • Offline in reply to Shellebelle74

    Thank you so much Shellebelle,

    My dad has an appointment on Monday at the hospital unfortunately I think it will be more bad news as his calcium levels are high. Much to my mum's displeasure I'm going with him, he has spoken to the Macmillan nurses there before but refuses counselling etc. He pretends to them everything is fine at home. My mum is very controlling and does like anyone coming to the house, and when the district nurse comes she makes a big deal about my dad's behaviour. It's all really embarrassing. 
     

    My dad and I aren't close but I have been helping him since he had major bypass surgery 3 years ago. That was also a difficult time and my mum went from being super nurse to ignoring him completely, like I said she has control issues. I recognise his behaviour as fear based and I know he doesn't mean to be angry with us, he's angry about dying. Mum chooses to see it as a personal attack, and feels the need to be angry back. I'm just doing what I believe is right, I have a strong faith and it helps me stay calm and reasonable. I don't want any regrets after he's gone, I'll have enough to cope with, if my mother doesn't start accepting what's happening. 
     

     

  • Offline in reply to Bluebird72

    BlueBird, you are very welcome. Are you his official carer?? If so you may need to go above your mum and speak to nurses directly.  How does all this make you feel?? Would you talking to someone help?? Maybe they can advice better.

  • Offline in reply to Shellebelle74

    At the minute he doesn't need a carer, I just help out. When the time comes I'll speak to a social worker and maybe find alternative arrangements, I don't think it would be a calm environment for him to stay at home when the time comes. 
     

    My mother isn't reliable and I work so I can't be there all the time. I know she's going to be very difficult like I said major control issues, she really resents me helping him even though she doesn't want to do it. I have a friend who is a Marie Curie nurse so I can talk to her, she says she sees all kinds of problems with families. 
     

    I'm just struggling with the emotional side of things and trying to keep it all together. 

  • Offline in reply to Bluebird72

    Bluebird, I think you need to get emotional help, it wont hurt and like I said they may help more than you think. We all deal with things in very different ways, my Dad always said "It is what it is" and took it all in his stride, my mum struggled to come to terms with it all from the beginning, complete denial! Didnt like to face the truth and didnt make most of the time left with him. She just tried to keep herself busy and occupied. I needed counselling after, it was a very difficult time and hard to deal with. But we had brilliant support and connections. I really feel for you, it's hard enough without added stress and worries. Have you spoken to your parents, together or separately, voicing your concerns and how they are being makes you feel?? I can imagine stubbornness is an issue too sadly. 

  • Offline in reply to Shellebelle74

    I have a lot of emotional issues with my mother, she's always been difficult. If I told her how I was feeling I would either get an angry response and be treated like a little girl being scolded or she'd  descend into floods of tears about how cruel I am upsetting her and she's can't cope. She loves the drama and misery of playing the victim. 
     My dad is a recovering alcoholic and drank instead of facing his problems. Truthfully I think he just wants it all to be over, he's never taken responsibility for his health or life choices, it's easier to blame other people. Yes they are both stubborn and very unwilling to help themselves or each other. 
     

    I can accept my dad's ill and I even accept his condition is terminal. What is happening is it's triggering emotional baggage from my childhood and my parents codependency issues. I have had therapy for this in past and I know how to work through it but I'm resisting sitting with the discomfort.

  • Offline in reply to Bluebird72

    BlueBird, I'm so sorry. You do have a lot to deal with, u wish I could help more. Do you have other family members that help out? Siblings etc 

  • Offline in reply to Shellebelle74

    Thanks Shellebelle,

     

    you are every kind for taking the time to read and reply. I'm an only child but my husband is very understanding. Really I'm just venting my frustration because I know other people have much more difficult circumstances. I have a lot of relaxation techniques to help me destress and I have to accept they are both adults and they have been living like this for 50 years, they aren't going to change now, sadly.

     

    sending you much love, light and blessings x 

  • Offline in reply to Bluebird72

    BlueBird you are more than welcome, if I can help in any little way I'm happy to. I hope things ease up for you. Im happy you have  your husband for support.  Lean on him and vent your frustrations on here, I'm here if you need to vent. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. Hugs and love. Take care x

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