Struggling with Mums cancer diagnosis

Hi All. I an new to this site but need someone to talk to/sound off and perhaps offer advice?

Mums been diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer. There are no treatment options available for her. She is medically unfit for surgery and told chemotherapy will not help. She is for best supportive care only. She was given approx. 12 months in Sept 19. I feel totally helpless and don't know where to turn.  Macmillan nurses come round every so often and the GP the same but I feel as though we have been left to cope on our own. I don't feel they are offering any real value in terms what's going to happen and what to expect; they are quite vague; it's as if they don't want to commit to anything definite. I then go on Google which gives conflicting advice! I also find it difficult to talk to mum about the future as she does not want to talk about her diagnosis nor prognosis which is making it doubly difficult as well.. I feel guilty when in work as I am not with mum although I spend all time with Mum when not in work but then she doesn't want to do anything. I arrange outings to which she will cancel all the time; basically she doesn't want to leave the house. What am I doing wrong? 

Any advice greatly appreciated.

  • Oh Beth, you aren't doing anything wrong, and nor is your Mum....its a horrible loss of control getting a diagnosis and then not getting answers, and its the nature of cancer that there's no clear answers for you. You also sound like you want to talk and your Mum isn't in that place yet, she's just wanting to be still and maybe think about it, or maybe try not to....so you are two different people dealing with it differently....She may not want to be cheered up, and you both need to find a balance that allows your lives (both) to run a bit more smoothly. So talk to her about what she wants from you and explain that its the practicalities - at present you are putting effort into arranging things she doesn't want. But you might also need help for yourself and emotional support....maybe via either GP or Macmillan....it will evolve and change over time, but being kind to yourself and each other is key. Not everyone wants to talk and not everyone wants to be in the middle of thinking about illness and cancer....