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Father with terminal cancer; what/how can I help him?

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This is very raw; 12 hours ago I found out my precious and kind Dad has terminal lung cancer. I can barely bring myself to write that down. It is so difficult to accept he wont be around forever and too early in his diagnosis to say quite how long he has.

I live at the other end of the country so can't simply pop around to see him. I feel both helpless and useless as a result. I have a long planned trip up to visit him and Mum next Wednesday- i am now counting the minutes hours until I get there. 

I didn't know what to say to him on the phone earlier. I said very little. What do I say?  I feel I shouldn't burden him with my emotions, be stoic and strong for.him and Mum.

I start thinking of things I must say or do with him (father and son ucket list) but even this thought takes the wind out of me it is so difficult. I don't even know if it appropriate or possible the path ahead is so unknown. I wonder if have I left it too late for that too.

Thank you for this forum and sorry for my outpourings. I've just walked the streets for miles as I can't sleep. Maybe commiting to writing this here will help with that at least. 

Reading other peoples posts has helped and at least made me feel that I'm not alone. Long may this resource continue....

G x

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    Hi there ...

    So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... we want our parents here forever .. but sadly sometimes it's just their time ... 

    But as someone who lost her mum to a heart attack and I had no chance to even tell her I was so proud to be her daughter and I love her one more time.. I was 36 then .. and what I'd have given for one more day or even one hour... you have that chance I didn't get .. you know most men I know, want to make things better .. but sadly something's you can't.. 

    So it's making most of every day .. you can set up face time on your phone maybe .. there's calls and texts.. something I never had back then ... this is a time to share tears, hugs , and leave nothing unsaid .. yea there maybe something he wants to do with you .. or maybe just chat ... bet there's lots about his life growing up, you didn't know ... ask him .. it's just about holding his hand now ... walking by his side ... listening to him .. even though some things are hard to hear about what he wants .. but if you can do that now .. you'll look back and be pleased you never wasted a moment worrying about the future .. coz you can make the most of the present .. coz every day is a present given ...

    Always here if you want a chat .  ....  Chrissie xx

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    Hi......

    I’m in a very similar raw situation and don’t really know where to turn. Your post described many of my feelings and emotions. I too, live some way from my mother, diagnosed with stage IV triple negative secondary breast cancer on her liver yesterday. 

    Not been able to speak to my mum yet. Too emotional at the moment and want to give my mum the time to process the diagnosis and ring me when she’s ready.

    Speaking with friends helps. All understand but I find myself at times able to speak then my mind drifts and conversation gets emotionally tough.

    Plenty of foggy thinking time ahead but won’t waste it. Next appointment is for the immunotherapy results then we decide. Really want to see if Mum wants a bucket list...... but don’t want to force it upon her.

     

    Still early days. Countless dog walks just wandering, processing on what’s next. Told my 15yo daughter last night. Tough but she understood, tbh broke my heart speaking about my mum like that.

     

    Really appreciate the forum and reading others experiences and general chats.

    Rog

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thanks Chrissie, 

    I do need to think that way around, that at least there is some time available and to make the most of it.

    I'm planning ringing everyday - which is very unusual for our family - hoping a little contact and often will help us all. Also, trying to continue messaging and sending whatsapp pics of grandchildren so there is some normal (non-cancer) chat between us.

    I can't wait but I'm also petrified of meeting up with them on Wednesday, there is good odds on me becoming a blubbering wreck instantly.

    Thanks again.for the advice and listening.

    G

  • Offline in reply to RogerB

    Hi Rog,

    I'm sorry to hear of your Mum's diagnosis. There is never an easy time but I think festive period seems particularly awkward given lots of people are off and holiday and having fun!!

    You are ahead of me in that I haven't told any of my friends yet only immediate family. I thought a delay may help me come to terms easier but I've gathered from you and other posts on this forum that discussing it is the way to go. Perhaps I am purposely delaying to avoid accepting it is true. 

    I'm going to aim to ring every day, that's my plan for now. 

    Take care

    G

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