Hello, 

I am posting here because honestly it doesn't feel like there's anyone in my life that I can talk to about these things - either because they don't understand or because they're also struggling themselves and it's not fair to burden them with my struggles too.

My dad was diagnosed with Mesathelioma in January (asbestos cancer). It came as a massive shock as until that point he'd been extremely healthy and barely had a sick day on his life. (He's 68 and has only retired now because he was forced to). There is no cure, though he has had an operation to remove a lot of the scarring and hopefully prolong his life, though I honestly don't know what I should be expecting in terms of the time we are left, and honestly I don't think I want to know. Looking at him it's hard to know there's anything wrong.

But it feels like I'm already mourning. That is the best way to describe how I feel. I spend time with him to try and build more memories, taking him out on day trips, popping round for breakfast and doing the crossword with him, but I just feel filled with sadness, like my heart is aching because I feel like I'm preparing for the end. How do you come to terms with the fact that you have a limited time left with someone who means so much to you? How do you not let it seep into your thoughts day in day out? 

I know that a lot of people on here have already lost their loved ones and I should be so grateful for the time I have left - and I am. I want to enjoy it. But I'm just really struggling to push last this feeling of loss and mourning.

I also don't know the best way to support him and my mum and my brother through this. I want to be there for them as well because I know they're probably all feeling similar to the way I am but I don't want them to have to shoulder my pain too. And I especially don't want my Dad to see the way this is effecting me. I know he already worries about us all so much. 

If you read this, thank you. I just needed somewhere to be seen.