Hi Linda,

So sorry to read about your family’s situation which sounds so complicated.

Personally, I’d ban the word terminal. When I was first diagnosed I got very cross when anyone used that about me as, at least in the UK, it means that death is probable (not inevitable) within 6 WEEKS not months. I accepted that I had inoperable and incurable stage 4 cancer and that the average patient in my situation had between three and eighteen months to live and that at the time less than 5% of us survived for 5 years. 

I’d also ban clinicians from giving estimates of life expectancy without explaining both face to face and in writing that these are averages which are only accurate when applied to thousands of patients! The only reason I knew this was through my work in NHS Information Management.

Living with that sort of prognosis can really scr3w up your mind, especially after 5 years when you expect the curtain to come down. I guess he’s feeling tired and frustrated with it all and maybe secretly feels guilty about being what he sees as being a burden and impossible to live with.

Your Dad is his own person and can make his own decisions about his care, but he has no right to reject the Marie Curie counselling being offered to his long-suffering wife. 

My father-in-law refused help when him and his wife were both physically frail and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. They were both scared they’d end up in a home if they accepted help of any sort. As a result of his stubborness, they both became very ill (he had a major stroke but an ambulance wasn’t called for 24 hours when their son visited and found him in agony) and ironically were taken into care as emergency cases. If he’d accepted help, his stroke would have been treated and they’d have remained independent for far longer.

Maybe you could talk to him and make him realise that he’s being so unfair to his wife and that if they don’t accept the help (that he paid for all his working life through taxation) available  it is becoming ever more likely that they’ll not be able to cope?

I hope someone can come up with some better suggestions and that you remember to care about your own well being.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi Linda, you need to stop pussyfooting around your Dad as its Mum who's taking the brunt of it.  My husband has had no idea of some of the pressure I've been under since his terminal diagnosis, it does become all about them and their cancer so the carer gets ignored.  Mum needs friends and family to back her up and she needs respite, even going out for coffee and cake gets you out.  I'm 71 and hubby is nearly 74 so I know how it is.  Take a stand, sometimes parents need to be treated like a stubborn child, told off for their own good!! Good luck.  Carol 

Being a care giver is so hard I have been doing it for 1 week and half and I have really struggled and I am only 28 your mum is in her 70s so I can't imgine how tired she is she needs a break and as much as your dad has his pride and doesn't want to acknowledge what is happening, your mum needs help nurses will come in and help through nights and days. Cancer is hurrendous and I can't imgine how people feel when they get diagnosed and go through the rollercoaster of cancer but to be cared for at home and say no to any help to nurses (who I think are amazing btw) is very selfish on the family. explain to him your getting help Cos it's to much on your mum and that  is that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind because help will benefit yous all xxx