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Not sure what to do

kmeg123
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Hi there

My wife got diagnosed with stage 0 DCIS a few months ago. She had a double lumpectomy but the doctor came back and said that they need to take a large margin, they think it may have become invasive (perviously it was contained), and they want to test her lympth nodes. She has another operation in a few weeks, and she is scared. All of this runs in her family, making a bad situation even worse.

This weekend our relationship just seems to have fallen apart. It started on Thursday, I had a really bad morning (something really minor). I'm one of those people that worries about things (money, work, the usual). I got back to the house and was a bit grumpy. Then I just broke down in tears. We argued. I've been trying to be strong for my wife, but I just broke down. It upset her though - she said that she can't deal with me while she is fighting the cancer. I tried to explain to her that other probelms haven't gone away with the cancer and I'm trying to keep everything else running, shield her from other problems so she can concentrate on getting better. Thinking back, it was probably insentive of me to say and i could have put it better and i feel guilty. I've tried to say sorry but she won't listen.

But its set off a chain of events. She's asked me to leave the house where we live with our 8 year old son. I'm now having to stay at my parents 2 hours away - she didn't want me staying locally. And she is so angry with me, saying that I haven't supported her, I'm disguasting, and should be ashamed. Since the diagnosis I thought I'd been doing the right thing; going to all the appoinetments, listening to the doctors, cuddling her, making sure she is ok, and after the operation making sure to run the house so she can recover (cleaning, washing, ironing, school runs, cooking). Since I've been back to work, I've made sure I've been speaking to her every day to make sure she is emotionally ok. I just don't know what I could have done different.

She now wants a divorce. She hates me and hasn't been happy for a long time. We've had a tough few years - I lost my job, had to sell a house we loved. But I thought we were getting back on our feet. She says that I've made her life a misery and will never forgive me for not supporting her through the cancer diagnosis. I just want to make things right and I don't know what to do.

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    A really tough situation all round. Really hard because you have a child. Is there anybody that can mediate? Family, friends, or maybe an independent professional?

    You are both under a huge amount of stress wiating for the 2nd op. If all goes well, and there is no lymph node involvement, then the stress will hopefully be greatly reduced.

    Good luck to you both. Harry

  • Offline in reply to Harry2

    I don't think mediation is an option. I think she would react badly to any of my family, and her own family and friends are not going to want to suggest a course of action that my wife is currently against, because she is ill. It's so tough, and every time i try and contact her to say I want to make things better, she gets more angry and I think it just makes the situation worse.

    I appreciate the reply. Thank you.

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    Hi there ..

    This is just my opinion and I maybe wrong .. but reading all your thread .. it seems the cracks have been there for a long time .. this situation has just brought them to the for ... doing what you have done, is amazing and don't ever think you hadn't done something .. we can only do our best at the end of the day .. it sounds like your still trying to be her crutch .. which if she really cared she'd appreciate .. so many on here are lone parents with no support ..

    Yes I may be wrong and it the cancer she's not handling as it is really scary , I know ... but in my eyes , to take it out on those who care and trying their best is unacceptable... it's the reason not the excuse,  unless it's effecting the brain .. that is acceptable because they arnt in control with emotions when that is involved..

    I'd say give her the space she wants .. stop keep calling her, she got loved ones around helping her .. if you can step back and let her lead the way .. don't take verbal abuse .. if she loves you, she will let you back in .. if the loves gone, she won't.. but either way you'll find out the truth ..

    My heart goes out to you, I can see the love you have for her in your thread ... so sending you a vertual hug...  Chrissie  ... 

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you so much

    If I'm totally honest, our marriage hasn't been easy but I thought we were getting through it all up until now. All the things we lost previously we were clawing back, bit by bit. And I'm not an easy person to live with sometimes; I'm the one in the relationship that worries about things and feels a massive sense of responsibility to provide, and sometimes my stress feeds to her. She is the happy-go-lucky one. It feels like the cancer has perhaps made her focus on the things where perhaps our marriage is weaker.

  • Offline in reply to kmeg123

    Hi there ..

    It's a sad thing to say and I'm sorry but my honest opinion ...

    I think your smothering her, and I see what she means if she's trying to stay positive and your all worry and fears .. we need all the love and support we can get .. your both like chalk and cheese .. and now I understand the situation a tad clearer .. we don't need all sad faces around us, and pitying looks and words .. we need to be listened to .. to be able to say how we honestly feel, without the listener trying to make it better, they can't.. but your not super human,  just human .. but I think maybe you were trying too hard .. but that's really lovely too...

    I still say give her the space she needs .. and step back .. just tell her you'll be there if she wants to talk to you .. and that you will really LISTEN... but right now, I think she may need positive people around her .. and just give it time .. and maybe it's time that whatever she decides .. let it be .. if you really love someone, let them go .. if they come back, they love you, if they don't, they didn't love you enough ..

    So sorry, it sounds harsh, but take care of you for a while .. be kind to yourself .. Chrissie   ...

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you for the honesty - it's what I want. Don't get me wrong, although I'm worried about the cancer, I'm the more optimistic one out of the two of us on the illness itself. But I don't tell her that it will all be ok all the time because, in reality, that's not what she wants to hear and that may give the sense that I dont understand the seriousness. I just let her know that I will be there. On other worries, I should probably keep a lid on it.

    On the smothering, that may be right, but she is saying to opposite. On the diagnosis, as a said above, she is not the positive one in that respect. Becasue she thought it would be done with one operation, but something else has come up, she thinks she is going to die. She keeps thinking the bad news will come. This is what happened to her mother when she was younger.

    Thanks again

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