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Mum declining, dad a nightmare

Perveen
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My mother (61 years) has terminal uterine cancer- diagnosed a year ago.  She’s about to start more palliative chemo.  She’s in so much pain from bone mets and has become very immobile in the last month.  She’s constantly scared and distressed. My brother or I try to be with her at all times.  

My dad (83 years) has totally disengaged from us and is not allowing us to have family over from abroad to help and spend time.  He has become awful and is constantly picking fights. I had a big argument with him recently and said some awful things to him. I feel terrible and very upset.   Any advice on how to cope?  

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    Hi Perveen,

    I'm so sorry to hear about this extra problem you are encountering along with your mum's care. Does your dad have a friend or relative that he is particularly close to and will listen to? If so, I suggest you confide in them and ask them to talk to your dad. It may be that your dad is finding it hard to deal with the future loss of his wife and he's putting up a barrier in an attempt to pretend it's not happening. If he is a particularly private person who doesn't like change and people coming into his home you may have to tell him that mum needs care you, as family members, can't provide and that you will have to ask for nurses and carers to come help or mum may need to go into hospital or a hospice. Perhaps, faced with the choices, he will relent and let family come help. 

    I hope you find a way for your mum to get the care she needs,

    Angie x

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    Sorry to hear what your going through , I would say that your Dad is feeling an awful lot of anger because his wife a woman who he loves is so ill . My folks said No to most suggestions until they realised we as a family couldn’t cope , we needed professional help towards the end  . You must have a Palliative team member visiting if so ask them , my Mum had a McMillan buddy to talk to her , Maybe your Dad could agree to talking to someone outside of the family , I hope so as he must feel helpless at the moment .

    Take care and tread softly when you speak with him , what’s been said has been said so don’t mull over it , again , take care.

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