Welcome to Cancer Chat Kerrylou.

A cancer diagnosis can affect relationships in many different ways as our members here have found out so I'm sure some of them will pop by soon to offer their thoughts but I hope this information we have on our website will help to begin with.

I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you right now but the Cancer Chat community are here for you.

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Kerrylou

Oh my word: you are going through the mill aren’t you? So much to deal with emotionally with a baby and now this.

if it helps, my husband was like this when he was diagnosed the first time 23 years ago. I don’t think there is any hurtful thing that he hasn’t said in the interim years whenever the tumour returns. 

A very wise person once told me that we hurt the ones we love when we are hurting. That is SO true and may go some way to explaining his actions at the moment. 

As for telling his ex in person, he could possibly feel that you are too close to talk to. Ian very rarely ‘talks’ to me about what he thinks and feels. He will get cranky, be hurtful, shout at me, lose his temper. But I then watch him fall apart with guilt. We don’t have a cancer switch: God only knows it would be SO useful. One thing is for sure: he will be terrified right now. We have history with our ex’s: we have shared part of our lives with them. Once there was love but usually people still care about each other. Perhaps he felt she was far enough from his inner circle to talk to safely. If he speaks to you he will have to face his fears, your fears, and fears for your baby’s future. At a week since diagnosis it is still incredibly new and he is probably struggling to deal with his own fears.

its time to put your big girl pants on, sit him down, ask him to try and be calm and not to get angry and talk to him. Tell him you love him and that you cannot even begin to understand what he is going through. Ask him to help you understand, to talk to you do that you know how and when to support him.

I remember Ian screaming “ It’s alright for you. I AM THE ONE DYING IF CANCER!”. I finally snapped and quietly said “ That’s right. But how dare you ever tell me ‘it’s alright for you’. When you take your last breath, I am the one who has to carry on, to try and live my life without my soulmate, to raise the children and to try and explain why Daddy didn’t love them enough to fight. I am the one who will watch them graduate, watch them walk down the aisle, with an empty seat next to me. So when you have quite finished wallowing in that well of self pity: nudge over and make space for me.” I think that bought it home that it is tough for everyone around a cancer patient.

Don’t let him bully you, but it is SO important that you have someone to talk to about how you feel and how you are coping. If you cannot do that with a friend or a family member, then come on here and pour it out. At least on here, we have all walked in your shoes.

Stay strong.

hey there,

You are so not alone in all of this, my husband has been really difficult the whole way through.

whilst I can’t tell you what to do with regards to your relationship, you are important in all of this too.

My husband shuts me down too, whatever I do never seems good enough!

Has he had a pathway yet, what they will do.

It’s good to get it all out there and get some advice!! Just keep Sharing and we’ll help you through it x

I have just cried reading your message! Every word you have said is so true!

you are a marvellous woman! I don’t know you but my goodness I admire you x

Hi kerry is there anyone you could go to temporary to let him see what it would be like on his own, just for a while, see if it makes any difference to him good luck and best wishes.... Billy 

hi billy 

thats the thing we dnt live 2getha our relationship has always been on n off i dnt even know were he lives he just walks in n out of our lives as he pleases n i put up with it coz i love him and now he has cancer and hes being so voil i dnt know what to do for the best do i walk away likes hes told me to so many times or do i keep trying just to be rejected over and over?

hi 

he doesnt tell me much doesnt let me go to his appointments but from what i can gather is there going to cut away part of the kidney and take it from there but he already has kidney failure and is awaiting a transplant so there not sure his remaining kidney will be strong enough to function on its own its all just a mess and i just want to help him through it and he wnt let me if im not there he hates me n if i am there he hates me i just cnt win

So sorry its a bit baffling he's only stopping with you because he's ill and being abusive to you, yet if he's well he'll live somewhere else,, don't take this wrong but could be have another family somewhere else, because it just seems like he's taking advantage of you when it suits him, sorry if I'm wrong but it's baffling when he's going off somewhere else,...... Billy 

i dnt think hes living with any1 else altho i do still think hes holding a torch for his ex weve been 2getha well on n off 4 5yrs now but cancer or not its always been the same i just want to be there for him but he just pushes me away the more i try do i do as he askd n leave him be or do i keep trying and hurting myself in the process i dnt want him to go through this on his own he says he doeant need no1 but we all need somebody especially in times like this