My husband was diagnosed in December 2017 with Metastatic Fibrosarcoma (don’t worry, I hadn’t heard of it either). After several months of severe back pain where he commuted for hours and worked as a personal trainer, an eventual it turns out a tumour had grown in his spine so much that it had fractured it. He walked (!) into the A&E and was diagnosed shortly after, before being taken into 9 hours of surgery to remove a section of his spine and replace it.

The world has never been the same again. 7 weeks in hospital over Christmas. Loss of use of legs for a few days. Learned to sit again. Learned to stand again. Took his first frail steps in an NHS corridor while I cried with pride.

Second (primary) tumour removed next, then 6 weeks of daily radiotherapy with a 3 hour commute (easier said than done after spinal surgery.) Two new tumours - collarbone and sternum. 4 more weeks of daily radiotherapy. More tumours in hips and sacrum.

Then it came. The word ‘Palliative’ was first. Then terminal. Then ‘spread to left lung and liver’. He’s currently in cycles of chemotherapy of Doxyrubicin (which they call the Red Devil for a reason) but it’s not shirinking. In fact it’s growing a bit.

He is 30. I am 27. This wasn’t in the script. He is to this day the most positive, resilient warmest and brave man in the world and I am really, really struggling. Where’s the manual on this? How on earth do you deal with this? 

The world keeps turning, even when you don’t want it to. The mortgage doesn’t give a * about your terminal husband. 

Im lucky. I’m young. Youth is a valuable thing so I am told. But the thought of a life without him is so terrifying I can hardly sleep. 

My late stepdad died in a similar pattern. Metastatic Cancer of nearly everywhere. 

I know there’s dark times ahead. I feel like I’ve done twelve rounds with Tyson already. 

Does anyone have any advice or experience in losing a spouse young?