Hi,
My names Kitt, Im currently caring for my father who is dying of metastatic prostate cancer. He was diagnosed in 2015 with prostate cancer which spread into the lymph nodes and into his bones.
I have spent the last couple of years in total denial of my dad’s cancer. I hardly even acknowledged it. I through myself into my career and building a life for myself. I told myself that everything I was doing was to be able to show my dad that when the time came, I would be okay and that I was going to be able to look after myself. I also desperately wanted to be successful in his lifetime so that I could take him out of work and into retirement. I’ve wasted precious years that I will never be able to get back. So many cancelled meet ups that I will never be able to get back. I prioritised a needy, demanding girlfriend that when the chips were down ended the relationship because she couldn’t emotionally support me. I’m full of regret and remorse.
My dad is 63, he was so close to retirement and now he will never be able to enjoy it. My dad has sacrificed so much in his life time for other people. He’s been under appreciated by so many people. My parents separated when I was young and he basically hasn’t had a day for himself since then. He has slaved away in a job commuting 2.5 hours every morning and 2.5 hours every evening to London to support an ex wife and a son. He came and picked me up every weekend without fail whilst also caring for an elderly parent. Retirement was his reward, his dream, his right.
I’ve given up my career and my flat in London to care for him but it all feels too little too late.
Everyday I watch his morale drop as he disappears into thought. I ask him what he’s thinking but he says “nothing”. It breaks my heart that nothing i’m doing is going to change his prognosis. How can someone so loving, so caring, so stoical and self deprecating have something so truly awful happen to them.
I know that I should feel fortunate that I have been able to have a relationship with my father that so many people didn’t. Dad has been an exceptional father. Every weekend was filled with fun and adventure. And as an adult he has become my best friend, my cheer leader, my role model for how to be a kind a decent man. Unlike so many others. But all I feel is anger that he’s being taken away from me. Anger towards everyone that has let him down whether that’s that’s family, friends, doctors, colleagues & myself. And then there’s fear of what’s to come next. How do I possibly start to rebuild a life without the man that created me, without the man that gives me the confidence to strive for my ambitions and a better life. How do I do that?
My days are currently spent attempting to boost his morale where possible. Try and build up his mobility and independence. Whilst trying to be as strong as possible so he doesn’t see how scared I am of losing him. How terrified I am to say goodbye. I feel to accept the situation, to say my goodbyes is to admit defeat and would be yet another let down that he doesn’t deserve.
Im sorry for such a novel. I just had to share my mind somewhere.
I hope all that are reading this whether it be someone with cancer themselves or friends and family of someone suffering, find solace in my words as someone else going through what you’re going through.
I hope that today is a good day for you and your loved ones. Soak up every second.
Kitt
