Hello Phil - I've read your post & can 'hear' just how angry you are at all that this is doing to your family. I think most of us faced with this would also feel very angry & frustrated that little or nothing can be done for your mum. It's a perfectly understandable & normal reaction to this cruel disease which takes the lives of those we love the most. But you know Phil that the anger you are feeling is doing damage to you & won't change anything that is happening because you are angry. Somehow you have to find a way to let go of it. I do think that sometimes anger is easier to deal with than grief & obviously you are grieving for what is happening to your mum & what may yet happen in your life.

You must only be a young man & cancer treatments are improving on an almost weekly basis. Your future may well not be as bleak as you fear it is. Your future though is in front of you & you are having to deal with today & what is happening now to your mum. Try sweetie not to waste all your emotions on anger & fear of the future. Focus on doing the best for your mum today & take each day as it comes. 

I'm quite a bit older than your mum & have seen a lot of things in my life & suffered losses of all kinds. One of the most important things I've learned is that life rarely does what we expect it to do so expecting this that or the other is a complete waste of time. Things almost never turn out the way we think they will. A chance meeting, an off the cuff remark, even an illness can change the direction of our lives in ways we could never have anticipated & often for the better.

Be with your mum, hold her hand & tell her how much you love & appreciate her. It will bring it's own rewards - truly it will. Your mum needs you to be strong & she brought you into the world so you could live a life & that includes the good & the very, very sad. I doubt you'll let her down by spoiling your life with bitter feelings & fear because that isn't what she'd want for you.

Be kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend. I'll think of you. xx

Thank you both for your kind words. Im afraid it is to late for any sort of surgery, the damage has already been done between the sezure and the tumour growing. I am both angry and saddened by the fact that none of us asked that question sooner.

Since I last posted mum has continued her decline, her pain, confusion and just general discomfort have all increased. This has to be the worst way for anyone to die. Its like her mind and soul, everything that makes her who she is, is slowly being deleted be this intruder in her head. I have never felt such heartbreaking pain, even when my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack.That hurt so much but somehow we all held each other together, mainly because mum was so strong. 

Mum was so good to my brother and I that she was moving out of our family home to live with her mum who is 84 years old. And was giving us the house between us, well my brother has just bought a house with his girlfriend and we agreed that i would buy his half from him. This all happend just before mum was diagnosed and so mum moved back in with me for all her treatment. I sat in the front room with her as she asked me if she was a good person and what did she do to deserve all that she has been through. I couldn't talk for about ten minutes as we both sat crying and holding each other. As her side effects from treatment were increasing mum had no choice but to move back in with nan as her bungalow is fitted with a ramp at the front door, a wet room and disabled toilet. Lucky enough she lives round the corner.

Mum kept asking her oncologist how long did she have because she wanted to claim her life insurance to buy new windows for my brothers house and my own. I tried to get my house all done up and decorated for mum to see before anything happend to her. I got as far as getting the house rewired before she was rushed to hospital. Now I am by myself in a mess of a home, no photos on walls patches of wall paper missing and my tiny little mum no where to be seen. I remember the day she left to go to nans, I didnt think that would be the last time she would ever set foot in our family home. 

Im no longer as angry as when I first posted, I just feel increadable sadness, pain, tiredness and loneliness. Im not sure how to continue. I feel like a shell of a man I hurt so much. I cry every day.

I keep thinking of the Johny Cash song hurt. There is a line in it that goes "everyone I know goes away in the end."

The mans not wrong.

Thanks again for your words I found a small comfort in them and for that I am grateful

Phil 

Good morning Phil - I'm glad you have found at least a little comfort in our replies to your post. Your pain is palpable & only time will make it more bearable. I'm sure you understand this & so it will sound like a cliche but each day you have already managed to get through is a day nearer to that time. It also shows that no matter how painful you are somehow managint to cope & I hope you take some strength from that.

You say you are not sure how to continue. Have you thought about ringing the Samaritans? They are wonderful & will listen to you as long as you wish to talk about your feelings. They won't offer advice or judgement & I do hope it's something you might consider. Lonlieness at times like these only adds to the pain of it all & it's important that you don't isolate yourself.

I know you won't feel you can do this at the moment but given all that you said about your mum's generosity with the house, I wonder if it isn't there that you might find a better way of coping. It's in a mess you say & that too can only make everything feel worse. Is it possible do you think that you might think about setting to & restoring at least one room where you could put pictures of your mum & some of the things she treasured? It would be a way to honour her - doing it for her as much as for yourself. If you could just spend an hour or two one day & make a start it might be enough to motivate you to carry on?

Whatever you do Phil I sincerely hope you will try to look after yourself & perhaps think too about seeing your GP & getting a little help until you feel you can cope more easily. I've suffered from depression & I know how easy it is to slip into a hole which can become very difficult to climb out of & I'd hate that for you.

Keep posting sweetie if it helps. I'll continue to think of you. xx