Hi Sean,

So sorry to hear about your mum and what you have been through over the last 4 years. My dad had lung cancer and was given 3 months. Those 3 months me and my sister said (as he lived abroad and therefore we could not always see him as much as we liked) we said we would give him the best 3 months we could. And we did-but it was hard and we are 48, 51, 55 with family support. At times it was too much to bear but of course we had no choice. As we were told of options for palative care which may give him longer-as he was unable to eat or barely drink, could hardly walk then it was somewhere in my head death would be kinder/better-he knew this too and wanted it. You are so brave-do not feel bad for wanting both your pain and your mothers to end, for life to improve and be good again at times as it will have more high lights especially as you are young. I lost my mum by the way at 20 to a heart attack.

My middle sister was so close to my dad, so close so of course she call every day, advised me ect I spent 2 months with him she spent the last month. But she said she wish she had not persuaded him to have the radioterapy that may or may not have extended his life/as I was there I can say it did make him comfortable and able to drink and eat a little more fore a little while.But he was never going to get better watching him ill was hard, watching him struggle to eat and drink was hard so do not feel bad for wanting your mum out of pain and not to prolong the agony -I would not want to for myself and therefore I would not want it for my father either when it's a guarenteed outcome not getting better and a few months to live. Do spend as much time as you can with her-chatting, just sitting with her with some gentle music though-she needs you as you know. Love to you. Take care x

Ah Sean I understand...

Please don’t feel bad. My dad is terminally ill as well (I’m 24) and I know where you’re coming from. I am heartbroken of course and I’d do anything for my dad to be healthy and stay with me forever but I also have moments of hope that maybe once he is gone I won’t feel so desperately sad forever and I will be able to remember him as my dad and not being this unwell (obviously it’s always going to hurt but right now it is very raw). It’s hard, we’re essentially grieving someone who is still here. I’ve spent 5 months thinking my dad could die tomorrow and feeling so much dread that when he is gone I know he won’t be suffering and I can make my peace with it, say goodbye and try to process it. It’s not that I want him to die I just want him to not be in pain, to rip the band aid off and stop feeling so vulnerable and start the healing process.

There is no need to tell your mum how you feel - maybe you can share it with your sister. I am sure your mum would understand how you’re feeling but it might be kinder to not mention it. I would just try to make some lovely memories with your mum while you can xxx

Hi Sean

I could have written this post myself. My mum has extensive small cell lung cancer which has spread to her liver and lord knows where else. This is her 4th brush with cancer, starting 13 years ago with breast cancer which needed full mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy, lung cancer on the left needing surgery, lung cancer on the right needing surgery and small cell lung which she had chemo and radiotherapy for, but this treatment has been unsuccessful.

The last 13 years we have been on cancer watch, and it has been awful watching her go through diagnosis after diagnosis and she is sick of fighting.

I completely understand how you feel, as whilst I wish I could have my mum with me forever, I hate seeing what this awful disease is doing to her and I can't stand seeing her struggle with health, pride and dignity. My mum turned 60 in May, and has always been fiercely independent, so the change is a big shock for all of us.

We both fear she is nearing the end now as following a period of barely eating, she has had a burst of energy and appetite, her liver mets are causing fluid build up in her legs and abdomen and we are both prepared for the end game. (Although, what comes after the end game just feels like an impossible future right now for me, but her pain will be over and that will be a relief). 

Of course we want our parents here forever, but wanting their pain and struggling to be over does not make you a terrible person, it makes you an empathetic angel with a big heart.

We are working on quality over quantity now. Sending best wishes for the most comfortable time ahead x