Hi Sarah - this is a very difficult situation for you & your mum & it's perfectly understandable that you are so worried. I think the first thing I'd say is to ask is it possible you could get compassionate leave from work to see your mum whilst your aunt is away. Many employers are good in this kind of situation. As for your feeling guilty - I think we all would feel that way too but you say your mum is stubborn & she's old enough to make her own decisions. Of course you want to protect her but as an older person myself (I'm nearly 68) I do understand where your mum is coming from. If she (like me) has always been an independent person she'll find it enormously difficult to accept your giving up your time & perhaps your job.

It's all so terribly difficult for you I know but if your mum wants to manage on her own & is being positive perhaps this is what you need to try to accept. Of course you all hope the treatment will be successful but if she can't cope, or if things deteriorate, she may then be gald of your gloing there for a longer period. I think what I'm saying, difficult tho' it is for you, is to play things 'by ear' week by week & see how things develop. 

You say people feel uncomfortable if you try to talk about it - sadly this is often the case especially if they don't have similar personal experiences. As an 'outsider' it's easier for me perhaps, to be a bit more objective.

What you mustn't do is to keep it all to yourself, so do post here as & when you feel like it & someone will be along to offer support. I hope all goes well with your mums treatment. All good wishes.

Hi, thank you so much for replying it's comfroting to know that there's someone out there who can listen. I'm going to try and talk to my superiors at work to find out what I might be allowed to do in terms of leave. My mum is currently at the clinic until friday, she had to do two blood transfusions yesterday and will do 4th cycle of chemio today and dismissed Friday. In the meantime the doctors should give her an update on her situation. I'll post after this.

Morning Sarah - glad you are talking to your bosses. I do hope they come up with something helpful. Hope the doctor's update is positive. Yes - do post later & just keep plodding. Time has a way of sorting things out.

All the best.

So I spoke to her not long ago and looks like she will have to come back at the clinic sooner for new treatment. The oncologist I spoke to is not following her anymore, there's a different doctor now so I guess it's useless to try and get something out of her (she won't return my calls anyways). My mum has had a fight with my aunt over the situation because my aunt is really worried and stressed out and my mum tries to tone things down. She has said she will basically refuse to go anywhere else than home for those 3 weeks and doesn't want any strangers with her. She truly believes she can make it on her own because they will adapt the chemo so that it's not so debilitating anymore. I suggested I go stay with her if work allows me but it made her very upset that I feel like I need to do that. I'm upset that I make my mum upset by telling her that I'm worried. Am I doing the right thing? Is it ok for me to go stay with her even if she doesn't want me to? But if something happens whilst me and my aunt are not here how can I forgive myself? I don't know what to do...

Hi Sarah - these types of situations are difficult because people are so very different. My own view is that firstly, you shouldn't feel upset that you've told your mum you're worried about her - you are & that's that. You can't change how your mum responds to what you say. When I was much younger & my grandad was in his 80's he became quite frail & my mum wanted him to live with her but he wouldn't. I remember telling my aunt (his other daughter) that I didn't think grandad should be alone & that I was afraid what would happen to him when he was alone. My aunt said "look, he's turned 80 & he's entitled to make his own decisions. If he falls & is alone or dies alone that's up to him." At the time I felt my aunt was being quite cold. As I've got older myself & I live alone I've come to understand what my aunt was saying & why. And, in fact my mum who died only 2 years ago age 89 made exactly the same decision grandad did & I didn't even try to argue with her. In the end mum rang me one morning & said she couldn't be at home alone any longer & went into a nursing home she chose. She died 3 weeks later.

I'm telling you all this because I believe adults are entitled to make their own choices & decisions. If anything should happen when your mum is alone she will, I'm sure be aware of the risks, then that is up to her & you shouldn't feel guilty or take the responsibility on your own shoulders.

Personally, you will recognise that I wouldn't go & stay if she didn't want me to. But, if you decide not to go you MUST understand this is what your mum wants & is NOT your responsibility. As I say, people are different & you may think differently but sometimes hearing the experience of others helps to clarify one's thinking.

Finally, of course, your mum says they are changing the chemo to be less debilitating & she may well be right & manage ok on her own.

Do hopes this helps a bit. Do let me know what you decide. Take a deep breath sweetie you don't need to decide this minute. x

Hi, yes I see what you mean and that's why I've decided I'm not going to insist on having someone else be with her or that she stays in a clinic if she doesn't want to. Don't want to make things worse for her. Work has said they don't mind me working remotely so I think I'm going to stay in Rome with her for a couple of weeks, looks like the best compromise. I'll be working anyways and I know she'll be happy to have me there with her. Fingers crossed all goes well