Hi Kittypuss,

Welcome to Cancer Chat, although I'm very sorry to read about your husband and what you're both going through at the moment.

What I would say is not to worry or question how and why you're dealing with it the way you are, emotionally speaking. There is no right or wrong way and in fact what you're describing is something that is quite common and I know there are a lot of people on this forum who have felt or who do feel the same.

It may be your body's way of trying to deal with the situation as best as possible, perhaps to support your husband. Or it may be a kind of protective mechanism to help you. Whatever it is, try not to compare it to how you've reacted to situations previously. It of course doesn't mean you care any less or anything like that. The tears may come, or they may not - either way, just trust yourself.

If it helps, you could always take some time by yourself in a quiet room just to think through things, if it helps to take a moment away from everything.

I'm sure you're doing brilliantly so like I say just try not to worry about any lack of tears.

Meanwhile please do continue to use this forum as a safe space to voice your thoughts or worries, if you would like to. It's a very welcoming community.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben

Cancer Chat Moderator

Thanks Ben. I agree that it’s probably my body’s way of surviving. Had a difficult day today. It seems that something small totally unrelated to my hubby’s illness can set me off. Had trouble with some online shopping today and a glitch in the website set me off. Doing my best to keep in control, but it’s hard. I have lots of friends who are encouraging me to talk to them, but I’m saying thanks and not taking them up on the offer. Frightened of letting go, I think. Also my feelings are more complex than simply grieving for the loss of my husband. His father died of pancreatic cancer, which I believe is similar. We cared for him at home in his final months. We know what is coming. I find myself hoping that it doesn’t end in the same way for my hubby. Hoping that he has something like a heart attack or a massive stroke to spare both of us from that sort of end. Really struggling.

Dear Kittypuss

I am so sorry that you are facing this. My husband also has just been given a diagnosis of duodenal cancer. There is very little information about it as it is so rare, but he has been offered surgery which seems very radical. Don't worry about your emotional reactions at this time - there is no blueprint! Try not to bottle it up though as that can be destructive, don't be scared to let go if it feels safe. My husband is the stoic one in this relationship, whilst I show nearly every feeling, but I am the sort of person who needs to go through the emotion so when the time comes for me to be strong I (hope) I can do it.

Thinking of you,

Sally

Sally, I’m so sorry that you are facing this diagnosis too. Yes, it is rare, but I understand that surgery offers hope of a cure. Unfortunately for us, my hubby has other health problems that make surgery too risky - heart failure, diabetes and poor kidney function, to name but a few. These problems also rule out chemo. Because it is basically a poison, designed to poison the cancer cells, it relies on the body ridding itself of the excess nasties. With poor kidney and heart function, the poisons could remain in the body and cause him to be really unwell. Just last week, though, my hubby has been offered radiotherapy which could shrink the tumour and buy us more time. Feeling a bit more positive.

I’m sure you’re right that there is no blueprint for this. We each cope in our own way. I’m sure your husband’s stoicism will help you both get through this. They say that a woman is like a tea bag - you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water! I wish you and your husband all the best in this process. He has hope of a cure and I’m sure that, with your support, he will get there.

all good wishes

K

Sallly, please tell me how it was decided that he's eligible for surgery? 

We've had a long 2 weeks, my mother has been diagnosed with stage 4. They said its inoperable but we haven't been given an explanation as to why.

Please help and if you could tell me abit about what type of surgery and how far the cancer has gone?? Also how my mum would need or should have to get surgery?? Thank you soo so much in advance xx

Hi Neganega

I am so sorry that your Mother has been given this news, you must all be devastated. The surgery sounds will be very extensive and will have a long term effect on his diet plus he may go on to develop type 1 diabetes. It is the same operation that they do for pancreatic cancer apparently.

I think the Drs have decided he is eligible for surgery as the test results don't seem to show any cancer beyond the bowel wall. He is also very fit and healthy so that may also count. 

I do hope that you and your family get all the support you need.

Best wishes

Sally

Thanks Sally. Hubby had 5 sessions of radiotherapy last week - one each day. It’s hoped this will shrink the tumour and help with the bleeding and therefore the anemia. Waiting is awful and I do feel for you. Staying positive and enjoying each day is the way we are coping too. We are trying to enjoy small pleasures each day. Unfortunately the radiotherapy has side-effects which we have been told will last for a couple of weeks. I hope you get a surgery date soon. 

Best wishes

K

Thank you so much for replying. We are lost as we were given so many misleading ends, within 2 days they said its stage 2 to stage 3 then 4. We don't know how far it has gone... can i ask what stage was your husbands dudenoal cancer please? 

Also did they suggest the operation?? Is it called whipple PROCEDURE?? X

They never gave us a stage number. All they said was that is was aggressive and he had a life expectancy of about 1 year. That was a few months ago now, so I guess his cancer is pretty far advanced. His last mri scan showed that the tumour had grown a bit, but not spread. I guess that was why they thought radiotherapy might help. We were referred to the surgical team at another hospital a couple of months ago, but after a brief chat about his other health problems, surgery was ruled out. He has heart failure, poor kidney function and diabetes, amongst other things. Taking all this into account, the risks were too great. The surgery would’ve been the Whipple procedure.

Has your husband been having mri scans to monitor the growth? I think the danger is the possibility of spread to other organs. Hopefully your husband can have his surgery soon and will make a good recovery. For my hubby there is no such hope, I’m afraid. Thinking of you.

K