How to care for marriage

Hello

 

I took a long time to decide to write this but I feel I need some help. My husband's mother has breast cancer. She is in her eighties and her treatment now is to give her some extra time with us. My husband and his mother are very close but cannot see each other very often. He has severe spinal pain and I am his carer. I am worried about so many things. How to be there for her, how to help my husband through this. I am also worried about our relationship. I actively encourage him to put his mother first as he should but our relationship already faces difficulty with his own health problems. He is a good kind man who loves her very much. I just want to do the right thing but I feel lost as to what that is. I have never dealt with a cancer sufferer before. How do people do this.

  • Hi there...

    Bless ya ... sounds like your doing a grand job without knowing it, or giving yourself credit ..

    All you can do is what your all ready doing .. but maybe try to take some time for just you .. as caring is more tiring then being ill ... we just lay there when wer having a bad day ... where you keep going ..

    Take some time for just the two of you .. something nice .. time to just sit and chat .. little things ..  let your hubby take control .. let him decide how much to see his mum ... don't push him to do it .. he loves her so trust him to take the lead ... you can't take the weight of the world on your shoulders ... or you will crack ..

    I have lots of bone issues .. stenosis/ scoliosis and arthritis... in back hand and neck .. as well as other health issues ... not to mention my breast cancer .. so I've been a carer most of my life .. now I'm on the other side ... and my son lives 36 miles away ... and I see him occasionally and love being with him and the grandkids... but know it's not often, but that's fine .. I know how much he cares ... but he has a life too.  ....

    There's mobile phone calls to stay in touch daily if he wants to chat ... and I'm sure his mum knows that too .. if she's having treatment, she's going to be wacked too ... she'll do lots of sleeping ..and as long as she's not alone or has carers , she's much better resting ..

    So take it daily .. go with your heart .. stop trying to do everything for everyone .. we've got cancer, not total paralysis... so give him back some control .. he needs rest too .. but firstly look after you .. take a bit of time just for you .. go out .. walk in the park... visit someone .. then you'll come back refreshed and ready to get that loving relationship back with your hubby ... support him.. don't arrange things for him ..

    Good luck ... Chrissie xx

  • Hi rolling-ice,

    I'm sorry to hear your predicament - it sounds desparately hard for you. I wish you well. You ask 'How do people do this?' We people do our best with whatever is within us. Please can I say look after yourself? You are probably already stretched with caring for your husband's pain. Give time to your husband, his mother and yourself. Every cancer patient is different and your situation is so particular to you that it sounds like you need face-to-face guidance/ counselling. Can you talk to your GP about this? Someone who knows the issues you face and can sit down with you and talk through practicalities. You are right when you say you need help - you deserve help and it should be there close by. Wishing you all the best.