I feel for you because I kind of know where your coming from, it’s like trying your best to respect your dads wishes not wanting certain family members around him , and then still trying to stay strong yourself for your dad and still deal with your emotions , my daughter is 31 and has an incurable cancer diagnosis and she has told me when she passes that I must make sure her dad isn’t at her funeral as he hasn’t been there for her all her life  and she’s extremely angry at other family members that were suppose to be close to her not being supportive to her or me but yet want to  no how she is now she’s become very weak , so I hear you all you can do is try your best to do what your dad is telling you to do because he is what is important , and look after yourself if that means not answering your phone to certain family members then so be it  I wish you all the best your welcome to talk to me via this forum whenever u can my name is Christine

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. It is really hard. Trying to do right by someone and making decisions for them and hoping its the right thing for them. My father too has told me that he doesn't want certain people at his funeral. 

I find it horrible that these family members haven't bothered with my father until now. Are they now coming out of the woodwork because they want his money?

I told his sister when he was diagnosed 2 and half years ago and she, who had cancer 3 times herself and could've prepared him for what was to come, didn't want to talk to him anymore, even though at the time although they were not on best terms they did speak. And now she wants to see him? And tell she'll be there for me? Too little too late I'm afraid. 

I'm glad I found this forum as its been so helpful already talking to someone else who understands. My husband tries to be supportive and I know its hard on him to, but sometimes he criticises the things I do for my dad. And I already feel completely useless most of the time. 

Take it from me it u don’t sound like your useless just do what you feel is right in your heart   I wish you the best at must be such a hard time for you

Thank you Christine. When my mum died I learned how to compartmentalize and usually can deal with stress and strain very well but lately the stupidest thing can make me bubble over with emotion. It's nice being able to talk to like minded people. It's amazing the difference that discussing these things with someone going through it can make. I didn't have councelling when my mum passed but I have already considered it for the future now. 

Hi Kashara1989, such a difficult position for you. Of course your priority is your dad, and I get where he's coming from. Except for refusing painkillers. Why be in pain if there's an alternative? Many people think really strong painkillers hasten things, though I can't comment on that.

With regard to estranged family members, they are estranged for a reason. No need to explain anything. It happens. 

You can't change how other people behave, but you can change how you react. If you feel in your heart that you're doing the right thing, that's what matters. It took me a while to work that out. It's not being rude to say you'd rather not give confidential information. Keep saying it, with no further explanation.

Most social media platforms have an option to block people. If you tell your 2nd cousin you need some space, and prefer not to discuss upsetting issues, I'd suggest blocking them if they persist in questioning. I'm speaking from experience in a broadly similar situation. It did result in a couple of people dropping contact. Honestly, it was a relief. You need to know what you can live with. 

It's a time to be true to yourself, as well as your dad. So vent away, if it helps. 

regards, gamechanger

I don't think it's a cowardly route, if it's something that takes even a teeny bit of pressure off it's something you needed to do. 

Your dad sounds like a strong minded person with his own way of doing things.

Wishing you strength.

regards, gamechanger

Hi hope your day at the hospice went well , hope it wasn’t to stressful for you ,try not to forget to look after you and take at least 5 mins in the day to check in with yourself and process what’s going on so u can be ready mentally for the next day x

Hi Christinee

It wasn't the greatest day. Every so often he has a good clear period of lucidity and awareness where he knows what's happening and he tries to communicate (he has cancer in his neck so he can't really talk) . Yesterday was not one of those days and now he seems to be experiencing hallucinations which he wasn't before. And he didn't drink anything all day.

On the up side I got him to let me wash his face, and accept pain relief when he was sore. And the nurses where able to change his bed sheets. And they moved one of his syringe drivers (he has 3) so now they're all in the same arm, as it was frustrating him. I'm trying to tell myself it's the little victories. 

How're things with your daughter? And how are you holding up? 

Sorry to hear you had a bittersweet time at the hospice yesterday , I’m ok just extremely tired as I couldn’t sleep last night .my daughters not doing very well at the moment thanks for asking,she has appt with her consultant on Wednesday so I’m going to be talking to him about what the plan is because it doesn’t seem like chemo is working to me hope today is a good day for u