My elderly father has just been diagnosed with mesothelioma, he is already at the later stage of this terrible disease and has, according to the doctors, just months left. The diagnosis was a shock to us all, as until a few months ago had always been so fit and active.
We are all devastated, shocked and I guess angry. But trying hard to stay strong for Dad and do the best for him
I am an only child but have wonderfully supportive partner and children, but probably being an only, feel a huge sense of responsibility to both my parents.
Prior to his illness and diagnosis, Dad had always looked after the finances, heavy jobs around the house and garden and looked after Mum. Mum doesn't drive so he has generally been her taxi driver and plus one for whatever she has wanted to do, shopping, hairdressers, visiting family & friends. Recently Dad has told me he has never really enjoyed the majority of these trips out, so I had taken over the taxiing role for him as well as taking on his heavy work and helping him in any way I can.
But Mum seems to want things to be “normal” and despite me telling her repeatedly that Dad is neither well enough or wants to do these things anymore, she just doesn’t seem to get it. I know that perhaps the shock of the recent diagnosis and what it means has hit Mum hard, perhaps she is in denial ? But I seem to find myself spending more time trying to reason with and look after my mother when I feel this time should be about my father.
Every conversation my mum has with anyone always ends up being about her, how she feels, her physical problems etc and I am finding it hard to deal with her apparent self centeredness when my poor father is dying. I suppose I thought that, like the rest of the family, the most important person at this time is dad, I am finding it difficult that she us behaving like this myself and worst still my dad is now worried about and trying to look after her, when really it should be the other way around ? To top it all, she now has Dad driving again (when both physically and legally, I don't think he should be) just a trip to the hairdresser, shops, just pop and see so and so. Mum has also started asking Dad to do heavy jobs that he used to do, moaning at him for doing nothing and just sitting around, swearing at him for being messy, complaining she is stuck in the house, etc.
I really don't know what more I can say to her, every time we talk about this she agrees to no more driving, asking Dad to do jobs around the house, treating him kindly, not swearing at him, etc but then goes back to the same selfish behaviour as if Dad is not Ill.
What can I do ? This whole situation is difficult enough without having to deal with my Mum's behaviour.
