Cancer Research UK main site

Sister pushing us away

maggie66
Offline

I’ve been sitting here since 2pm waiting for a phone call. My younger sister has bowel cancer and been receiving chemo for the last 9 months. My other sister and brother are given very little information on her progression and she’s so ill!! We used to see her a few times a week now it’s down to one hour once a week.all she ever says is I’m fine.  She never goes out except to the Hospital dropped all her friends, neither does her husband.  We also worry about him too being her sole carer.  He never complains and is wonderful to her.how can we support her fully? We love her so much but she has withdrawn so much.  My brother in law has also told me neither he or my sister knows what stage she is at as she does not want to know. I’m worried sick.  All advice would be appreciated.  Thank you so much.  Love and prayers to you all 

 

 

  • Offline

    Hi there ..

    Unfortunately everyone takes their cancer differently ... and whichever way we choose to cope, must be respected by those close to us ..

    As someone with cancer, l can imagine, she's finding it hard when others want to find out more .. maybe in talking about it, brings it home to much for her to cope .. so she's just doing what she needs to to cope .. l know that's really hard for you, but if you can all pull back slightly, and not to pressure her for information... just have a normal hour with her ... then she may later open up, but I'd think she'd be worried you may over react ... so if I were you, I'd let her take the lead ..

    Let her know if ever she wants to talk, you'll be there to listen .. but she is probly doing the best she can to cope .. and her husband sounds amazing... you could say the same to him .. that your there if needed ..  try to live in the day... and not look ahead to all the "what ifs ... or may bes"  hope that helps .. I'm no expert but think I can understand why ... chrissie x

  • Offline

    Hi, 

    I agree with Chris, cancer can be overwhelming and your sister may be dealing with it in a piecemeal fashion. Perhaps family are asking too many questions, perhaps the way family look at her shows her how really ill she must be. Her decisions must be respected. However, there are other ways to support in the background etc you could pop round with food parcels, leave them at the door if need be. Dealing with Cancer can be expensive, you could have a whip round, you could suggest taking her out for a day to do her favourite thing, with no mention of cancer, this would allow her husband some respite. If she’s spending all day in the house you could send some DVDs she might like to watch, books, jigsaws - whatever she’s in to. 

    You know your sister best - think you’ll need to think outside the box on this one.

     

  • Offline in reply to Magpiemaggie

    Thank you Chriss and maggiemagpie for your good and sound advice.  We’ve tried all you have suggested out for a coffee, a meal out, but she’s not eating and extremely thin and just lives on these supplement drinks.  At one point we suggested we go spend an hour with her or so an evening a week to let her husband spend an hour or two with some old school friends, that was knocked on the head after a week. We never ask her questions as she’s to distressed and can’t talk. My older brother has cancer, and my older sister has just passed the 5 year mark for her cancer.  I think this must be especially hard for them.  My younger sister had her scan results yesterday and no news. We’re trying to stay positive but we don’t think the news must be good.  Thank you again for taking time to read my post and answering it with such good advice.  

  • Offline in reply to maggie66

    She’s obviously retreated and needs space, as long as she knows everyone is there for her when she decides to re-engage there’s little I think you can do. People have there own way of dealing with such matters, my sister is like this when it comes to any trauma in her life, we are all cut out as she wants to handle everything herself, she sees it as a need to be in control and feels better for it, I on the other hand need to reach out for support, even if it’s just for a chat about nothing.

    your sister will know what’s best for her. You’ve done your best x

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.