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My Mum Refusing Chemo

Celeste101
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Hi everyone,

My mum has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She's been unwell since February, and I felt that it was cancer, but it's still upsetting news.

She has a biopsy next week, to determine what form of cancer it is, and what treatment she'll be offered. But - she's already saying, quite emphatically, that she 'won't have chemo and that's final.' She's become quite aggressive about it, even though all I've suggested is that she doesn't dismiss any options as yet. The doctor has said the same.

Her reasoning is quite bizarre - she seems to think that there are other treatment options available but it's down to money that most people aren't offered them. To put this in context - she also refused to have a colonoscopy and had to be persuaded to even go for the CT scan. I realise that she's scared and that it's her body, but my concern is that she'll vastly decrease her life expectancy if she refuses treeatment and continues to believe she'll get better by drinking arrowroot ( not an exaggeration, she seems to think this is making her better). To make matters worse, her cousin ( whom visited today having not seen her in 20 years) compounded this idea that my mum should refuse chemo if she didn't want it.

I really want to support her - and am actually not against alternative therapies at all, in conjunction with conventional -  but am finding it very difficult when she's being so unbending, and she becomes angry at the slightest suggestion of listening to her doctors. 

Any advice on how would be really welcome. 

Thank you.

  • Offline

    Hi. She might be feeling very angry right now and not fully processing what it all means. My mum had radiation treatment and found it tiring, and when it was done said she'd never do it again. But then when she had another cancer diagnosis a year later she was suddenly more open to the idea...maybe not at first, but as time went on and she had no other options she was suddenly more interested. 

    Maybe once your mum has the biopsy and has a more serious conversation with her doctor she might change her mind. I think that is what is hardest on us, is if we feel like the people we love are making quick decisions without knowing all the facts. 

  • Offline

    Hi there ...

    I was very Simerla to your mum ... and when l got all the facts about every sinario... I took a couple of weeks to weigh it all up ... my family would say how they felt, but everyone of them were right behind whatever decision l made .. which in turn gave me back the control over my life ... something we feel is often taken away ...

    Some I agreed to, some I refused ... some half way .. but right or wrong it's down to me .. and l thank every one of them for holding my hand but not leading me down a path l didn't want ... even my oncology surgeon supported me right though .. 

    So remember hold her hand .. and if you support ... not pressure her ... she may be like me, and bend half way to something she can manage ... Chrissie xx

  • Offline

    Hello, 

    So sorry to hear about your mums diagnosis. Is there a reason she is refusing chemotherapy? Has she watched someone else go through it all?

    I decided that I wouldn’t have chemo after meeting my oncologist for the first time when I was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, the side effects sounded awful and I didn’t want to have my sons memories of me be what I pictured becoming. I planned to use alternative therapies and even told my family that this was my plan. Then I met a professor who told me that he had never had a patient “regret” the chemo I would need. He said that there are new things coming all the time but I had to be around to have a chance of using them.

    9 months and 15 chemo sessions later and my bowel cancer is practically gone and my liver tumours are dramatically shrinking with every scan. It’s tiring, my chemo gives me a rash and other side effects however I’m still here and for that I’m thankful for. 

    She may still change her mind, it’s very hard to take it all in at the start, it’s happening to you yet everyone else is telling you what they think you should do. It may help her to speak to someone whose been through chemo who can tell her it’s not as scary as it seems. 

    Unfortunately with cancer it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, I could afford alternative treatments, we went to see a private guy but he said he couldn’t give me anything that the NHS wasn’t already offering. 

    I wish you and your mum lots of luck whatever she decides to do xxx 

  • Offline in reply to Serapine8

    Hi and thank you. Yes exactly, that's right - I want her to know all the facts, and also the consequences of her decisions, before she dimisses anything outright.

     

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you for replying. I saw my mum today and she was saying that she feels out of control ( which for her is the worst thing as she's actually quite a controlling person!)

    But yes, you're right, and that's good advice- support, not pressure.

    x

  • Offline in reply to UpTheWall

    Hello and thank you for replying.

    My mum used to be a nurse  ( this is going back over 20 years though )  and so she's looked after chemo patients. Things have of course changed a lot since then. 

    That's amazing to hear about your experience and your tumours shrinking. My friend was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer too - that was 3 years ago and she's still here. I tell my mum this and she blocks me out.

    But you're right, it's early days. She needs time to process everything. But I hope she doesn't leave it too long - at the moment she's probably strong enough to withstand chemo, but if she waits too long it could be that she deteriorates and then couldn't have it anyway. 

    I really hope that your treatment continues to be so effective. x

     

  • Offline in reply to UpTheWall

    Hi up the wall was just scrolling through this site, your post is very reassuring I am quite frankly very scared and I know my husband whilst trying to be optimistic is very scared too. He was diagnosed 27th March with bowel cancer and due to start chemo on 22nd May, longest few weeks ever, he has stage 4 metasized with 13mm tumor in liver and the perenneol disease too (think spelt that wrong gone into stomache lining) he has had blood transfusion but needs another before treatment which having nxt week. He also had 2 large blood clots in his lungs at diagnosis due to cancer making blood sticky. We are both worried about chemo and how his going to be with it. He had to have 5fu and irretocan for 12 weeks every other week, what chemo drugs did you have? I’m so pleased your tumors have shrunk are you having surgery to remove them? 

  • Offline in reply to soozieq

    Im very sorry to hear about your husband. Hang on in there, it does get better as strange as it sounds living with cancer slowly becomes normal.

     Yes I am on Irinotecan and 5fu too although around my 3rd chemo session they introduced an immunotherapy drug called cetuximab which it turned out I have the gene for. (They are probably testing your husbands biopsies for this, it takes a while).

    The chemo isn’t too bad, I have an hours drip of irinotecan then 2 hours of vitamins, 5 minutes of 5fu and then I go home with a pump attached to my picc line which lasts 46 hours and then the district nurse comes and removes it. The  worst side effects for me are a couple of days where I have a sicky feeling (usually just after) and then a week after chemo I have a bad day of stomach pains and diarrhoea, you get into a routine and work out when it’s coming. Also my feet and hands became very dry and chapped so I have to make sure I moisturise them twice a day. 

    Unfortunately my liver is covered in tumours however I’m hoping that if they continue to shrink like they have been I will be able to have surgery in the future, or it will atleast open up some other options. 

    Is your husband on clexane for the clots? Unfortunately I developed a blood clot quite recently so I have to inject myself everyday now (until I no longer have chemo).

    sending lots of positive thoughts to you and your husband, any other questions please feel free to ask.

    xxx 

     

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