Hi everybody
I spent the last hour reading posts and because lots of you seem to gain strength from others I though I should reach out too.
I am an overall healthy 31 years old "girl", mother of a beautiful 3 years old boy and wife of a gentle amazing man who had been diagnosed with stage 3 (T4N1M0) bowel cancer in June 2016.
He had a large (and successful ) operation without much sign left of it. (nothing in fact) then we went through 8 cycles of chemo which finished in Feb 2017.
Since he has 3 - 6 monthly blood test and yearly CT +6 monthly chat with the oncologist.
And this is my problem starts. I Am and absolute control freak. And this feels totally above my control (oh I was reading books borrowed from medical student. Which is probably done the exact opposite of what I hoped for) and I Am a forever pessimist If there is just 1% of something can go wrong I am dwelling on that 1% rather then the other 99%. And I know that's the reason of why I am feeling so anxious all the time
I am keep looking at my husband for sings of him deteriorating. I am planning (in head) of what and how to be a single mother, a widower, a broken person for the rest of my life. What will I do if his next scan shows something or his blood test is abnormal.
I know deep down that is selfish sometimes I think it's insane and ridiculous and bad on every level. But this is how I feel. And I really don't want to feel like this. It makes me and probably him too feel misarabel. That's why I didn't tell anyone. Not even to my closest.
After his scans I am normally fine for about 6 months then these horrible feelings start creeping in.
You probably guessed bimy now.... His next oncology appointment is just days away and he is currently poorly (according to him its a flu - so. sore throat and fever) but for me is relieving the chemo weeks and imagining the worse.
So here I am, sinking into this weird "dream" like nightmarish existence....
I am often finding myself hiding away. OR if not I am keep asking him for symptoms and how he feels.....enjoying life is almost completely impossible.
I am otherwise alway planing and trying to make our life better and more enjoyable, like buying a new house getting on with a biking project (this is what makes me happy ) but I feel if I make plans for for example retiring by the sea (mine is coming up in 2052 lol) it won't happen anyway
I am really lost for what to do?
I am a very rational person and always try to solve the root cause of the problem..I know that councellig could be an option but the root cause is the cancer and the development and control of that. But we can't have scans every 3 months + that would give him cancer (according to his oncologist as well)
Oh I am so sorry for the rant. I must sound weird but just writing this down helped (for now) I know it's sounds its all about me but I think I might need help so I can be here for my family. (they would not cope without me, his words not mine.) So I must get well to do that.
Has anyone had anything similar. What did you do? Thank you and sorry
