Hi there ...

Oh my ... pain is the root of all evil ... it sends us into self destruct mode .. esp when we get it out of the blue .. it's like a hammer to the head ... only it doesn't stop ... he needs to get this sorted, ask the oncology team .. or G Ps or both .. tell them he is having pain mood swings, and you can't manage any more ... 

I have a sister with late stage dementure .. she went from the wisest, most caring, wonderful sister to someone who constantly tells us to "go away" if you can guess the words she uses .. it's a different sinario... but it's still the brain ..  l know it's not her, it's the dementure ... so I keep in my head the person she was before ... and know she has no control over it ... 

I think you've taken it all in ... you need to step back a little ... there is middle ground... give your self permission that when he starts having a go at you .. then you go ... even if hes shouting ... get out ... do something you like doing ... then when you feel stronger go back ... but tell him if he shouts or is angry at you, you'll go again ... but tell him, you do know he's in whence pain .. but that's not an excuse to take it out on you ... be firm ... he will in the end realise bad behaviour gets him no where .. if he stops being aggressive, you'll stay ... it takes time and lots of courage and strength,  but it does ease the situation..

Because if you leave, you will still have a part of you that feels guilty ... so just change how you deal with it .. and keep saying ...it's not him, it's the cancer "  ask for help so you can go off for the day ... at least once a week .. walk in the park .. have a lunch with someone you care about .. don't discuss him on those days .. it's your day .. don't worry about those feelings ... confused / anger / wanting to cry ... they will help you through .. it's o.k to feel them ... it's only when we hold them in, it becomes overwhelming....

Good luck ... hold on ... you can do this ... and think you need a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

Hi there, my husband has been battling stage 4 lung cancer since 2017 and we have gone through all that you describe, at one point I said to my daughter that I didn't know if it had been worth the pain, the debilitating tiredness and the anger but we came through it.  Firstly he could have anaemia which causes terrible muscle pain, fatigue and other pain, so get his bloods checked, mine needed a blood transfusion and that helped.  When he gets angry, walk away or go out, he can argue and shout at himself, that will soon stop!!  Lead your own life, go with friends for a night out, a meal, the pictures, coffee then you have something to talk about.  If you left you would never be able to rest, he's angry and upset with his life and unfortunately he's taking it out on his nearest and dearest, its infuriating when they're horrible to you then nice to everyone else !  So start afresh  no arguing, tell him to stop shouting at you because you're not standing for it, it's a shock when you change tactics, it will make him think.  If you want to message me privately and I'll help you get through this.  Chin up and stand your ground.  Lots of good wishes your way, Carol x

Hi Carol, I thank you for your good advice.

We saw a psychotherapist last week, I have been seeing him for over a year but this time husband came with me. He’s rejected all forms of psychological support in the past.  Unfortunately, his behaviour has worsened.... apparently it is common I learned, for terminal cancer sufferers to intentionally push their partners away, so that “you love me less when I die”.  He’s been pushing me away for years never mind after cancer diagnosis, he’s becoming more of who he is. He tries financial control then says sorry. But continues to do it. He’s obsessed with money, his council pension and what he’s going to leave me and his son. I’ve had to get another job to make ends meet yet he gives his 17 yr old son 250 a month for doing nothing.  He continues to demean me to the friends he has left. I could go on but it’s all so boring.

i am utterly exhausted with lack of sleep, worry, grief. (My sister died a year ago, the only close relative I had left), and anticipatory grief. I hold down a responsible job as a homelessnesss Officer, 2 days a week now he tells me he can’t remember the long discussions we had about me stopping full time work to care for him.  Apparently I do nothing for him, so he tells me. 

We have appt to see the psychotherapist again this week, I will go, I imagine he won’t. He’s taken his wedding ring off and told me he thinks I hate him.  I am sick of his constant psychological dramas I keep being sucked into.  

I wont leave him for this is my home too but I have decided I am putting Me first from right now. Like everyone has been telling me. Practice some self care for a change. I will go to stay with family for a few weeks and he can set the place on fire if he likes, while he lights candles, falls asleep at the table and smokes his fags.  No more. 

Just sharing this Carol, get it off my chest.  I am almost, but not quite, insane with it all. 

Cheerio and have a good day. 

Susan

Dear Susan, it sounds like a horrible time for you especially if he's been unpleasant previously.  Yes it is your home so stay out and do your thing.  Sometimes we try to hard and get no where.  Money control is unpleasant and a big bone of contention.  Are you getting the DWP cancer payment, this should help you, it's your money as well.  You need support and should take care if yourself, you know what you've done for him so what he says is very hurtful.  He sounds manipulative and unpleasant, everyone on this forum supports each other, take that support.  All the best for a better future.  Carol