Hello everyone. First time posting here. I've often come to this site to read other's experiences with cancer since my mum was diagnosed a year ago. They've been a source of comfort for me.

I wanted to post my own experience here as despite having a supportive family I feel so alone.

My mum is 71 and last year she was diagnosed with Leukemia. This came as a huge shock to us all as she'd been healthy her whole life. Fast forward a year and mum has been through chemo which was a bit up and down, she didn't do as well as expected but after a reduced plan she went into remission.

Despite this she didn't seem quite the same as before she went into hospital. Sadly only 2 months later mum was back in hospital with suspected flu. Blood tests revealed that the cancer had come back and there are no further treatment options as she is too weak to hande anymore chemo.

The doctors have given her 1-3 years.

This news destroyed me and I feel awful as I understand that so many others are given just months. It still feels unfair. I never thought I'd find myself posting in one of these forums... the old "It will never happen to my loved ones".

I'm feeling tremendous guilt as i'm 33 and my mum has lived a full life but I simply can't bear the thought of loosing her. On top of this I have 2 little boys and my eldest (3 years old) is besotted by her. She played a huge part in his early years and I can't stand that he's going to loose her and won't understand.

My mum lives in the house opposite us and I don't know how I'll be able to even look over there after the time comes let alone explain to my little boy that he can't go over there anymore.

I know there are so many worse situations. My wife for example lost her mum to cancer when she was 12 but I still can't help the selfish feeling that no one could possible feel as much pain as I am right now. I understand that's selfish and stupid but there it is.

Really I just felt I needed to write all of this down. My family mean well but they are all so much better at dealing with this than me. Most of my family are women and they are all so strong, my Mum's sisters and my own sister seem to be so much better at either dealing with this than I am which is another thing that makes me feel so guilty. My step dad is also very unwell and I don't think he'll cope when she's gone and I'm not really in contact with my own father. My mum has always been a rock for the whole family and everyone has always leaned on her. She's my best friend and I don't see how I'll ever get over this.

Thanks for for taking the time to read this.

Alex