Hi there, 

I'm so sorry he's treating you this way, you're going through it massively with him having cancer too and it's enough to put a strain on any relationship BUT have a think about it......

Take away the fact that he has cancer because that's awful but it doesn't give him the right to treat you like this. He's messaging another women, he's told you he thinks it would be better if he left. Obviously the trust has gone between you. You said you want to confront him about things you know but it'll cause an argument. If he wasn't sick would you put up with this in your marriage? 

I wouldn't. I'd let him leave and then he can carry on messaging whoever he wants. I couldn't stand by someone who was doing this to me I really couldn't. 

Hopefully someone else will be along soon with some more advice for you because I might be wrong but I wouldn't be putting up with that. Not a chance. 

I'd start thinking of yourself now, put yourself first. 

Xxxxx

I know, I've had those thoughts, but we have a young family and I will not be the one that breaks that up and their hearts in the process. If he really wants that then he can crack on, but I'm not going to make it easy for him to go by telling him to. 

It's the jekyll and Hyde that I don't understand.  One minute he's putting me through hell saying I didn't look after him properly and the next it's like he's back to his old self, but there's been no communication from him about it, about what he wants now.

Sorry, I don't think I'm making much sense. I can't leave him with cancer no matter what he's done. I know the disease has changed him in many ways, but he has to have the balls to actually walk away if that's what he really wants and at the moment it's all good, planning a holiday etc so I'll go with it until it changes. I just feel like I'm dangling on the end of a rope that he's in charge of and most of the time I'm OK but sometimes the anxiety and worry about it all just get too hard and I want to scream. 

I can totally see your point. No mother wants to be the one to break up their family and women try really hard to make things work. But your happiness is important too. Maybe stand up to him a little bit more? Say for instance next time he accuses you of not looking after him properly tell him that you did your best while juggling a small family, the running of the house etc.. and apologise that you aren't a doctor and are just muddling through like the rest of us. If he knows you'll put up with it and would never leave him he'll carry on. There's a way to be assertive without feeling that youre being confrontational. 

I really feel for you. I don't want you to end up being so down trodden that you lose sight of who you are. You're obviously really hurt by this and you don't deserve to be. 

Cancer does change people, my dad gets super ratty sometimes but we all tell him to stop it and he apologises straight away. He's upset mum a few times but they've had over 40 years of a good marriage. I think a lot of this depends on how he treated you before. You poor thing, you make total sense and I'm sending you big hugs. Xxxxx

Hi I had cancer for the 2nd time in 2012 and the one person I thought would be there for me was my husband.I couldn't have been more wrong. Whilst i was having treatment and at my lowist he was having an affair with a womwn who knew all about me and my children. He made me feel as though I had the plague and took all of my self confidence. We divorced 2 years later and even that he made difficult. It has taken me 4 years of councelling to get to a point where I can now function. I have nothing but praise for others going through this as it's difficult enough dealing with cancer let alone having to cope with a cheating partner

Hi unless you're hubby was phoneing her before he was ill why is he doing it now, you don't say if he can do things for himself or not most people want to do what they can to keep going, you have your own life and family to look after, just a query we're did he get hold of this old friends no, hope you get sorted soon best wishes remember look at your self.. Billy 

Thanks Chris i didn't notice that was looking at letter before mine ooooh well can't win them all, but like you said why do it I'll never figure it out. Best wishes chrissie.. Billy xxx