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Numb

Xxshinebrightxx
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Hi,

I am new to this site. I feel like this is where i need to be. 

My beautiful mum is 57 years old. I can talk about her in the present tense but I won't be able too for much longer .. I think she has days left now. 

My mum told me she wanted more years, she wanted to see her grandchildren grow up. I could see the sadness on her face and saw her tears. Two days ago she was sleeping and barely taking. She saw my daughters faces and heard our voices, i saw her face change, sadness etched all over it. It breaks my heart to know she felt so sad. 

I understand that she will be sad. . Of course I do but i am struggling to deal with this. I feel she has been robbed of part of her life..  Plans she had with my dad and the chance to see her grandchildren grow up. I wonder if id be able to accept this more if she was older or try and compare her story to other peoples eg younger parents with younger children but it doesn't help..... A loss of life is devastating no matter how old that person is. It doesn't make it any less of a life. 

 I am grieving now even though its not the end. I'm grieving for the mum i once had. The mum i could sit and chat too for hours, the mum who made me laugh, the mum who raised me and gave me wonderful childhood memories. I have decided not to visit again as i feel like i am upsetting her each time i visit. Yesterday she was trying to say something to me but the words wouldn't come out. I wish I knew what she wanted to say. I felt the love when she kissed me, she didn't want to let me go. I can't put her through that again. 

I worry for my dad. They are soul mates. They don't have friends. My partner and kids will get me through it but what about dad? 

I feel jealous of elderly couples in the supermarket! I wonder why they are allowed to be old and happy together. That should be my mum and dad! I am not a nasty person and hate thinking this way. 

Im not really sure what i am asking in response to this.....I think maybe some reassurance that things will get easier. Perhaps a reply from someone who has lost a husband, wife, partner.. I do worry for my dad. Any response is greatful really  

Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

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    Dear Numb

    I am so sad to read about your lovely mother.  I know exactly what you are going through.  The sadness and distress involved in unbearable.

    You are not a nasty person for resenting older couples.  It is natural in the circumstances and a lot of people going through the same trauma have those feelings.  When my mum died I was so jealous when I saw daughters and mothers out together.  Now that I have lost my partner I feel that way about couples.  It's all part and parcel of the desperately sad situation.

    However, obviously it is not for me to say what you should do and I apologise if you think I am speaking out of turn. Please understand that is not my intention but it concerns me that you are not going back to see your mother.  PLEASE have no regrets.  It's hard enough getting through without having regrets.  Yes your mother is sad, because she loves you all so much.  She will know you are there, her lovely daughter and that is what matters. Just hold her hand and tell her that you love her.  Say you will be there for your dad. I know you think you are protecting her and I understand.  Anyway that's just me and I apologise if I've upset you by saying this.  All I know is I would give anything to be able to see my mum again and you still can.

    Take care .Xxxx

     

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