Hi Clarky,

Firstly, let me say how lovely that your friend has such a caring friend in you. Not many 'friends' think before they respond to news of this kind & they quite often, unintentionally, say or do the wrong thing.

My advice is to first learn all you can about her diagnosis. Incurable cancer doesn't always mean it's terminal (yet). Dependant on the type of cancer, the stage of the patient and the treatment they are receiving, some patients can live a long time 'with' cancer rather than die 'from' the cancer. Incurable in these cases means the clinicians can't get rid of the patient's cancer but they can sometimes treat it & keep it stable. So it's important you find out if your friend has been given a terminal diagnosis (ie. they are expected to survive for a period of time such as 6 to 12 months) or an incurable diagnosis but not terminal. This will make a big difference in how you then speak & interact with your friend.

Whichever the diagnosis, please try to keep it together when in your friend's company. If my best friend went to pieces in front of me I would be devastated - sometimes it takes all a patient's energy to deal with their own pain without worrying about another's. Many cancer patients feel guilty at bringing bad news to the door of close family so upsetting a friend is what we try to avoid. So my advice is to arrange to take your friend somewhere for coffee or a drink but somewhere that has space for you both to sit & talk comfortably. Tell her you are sorry to hear her news & that you are there for her. Ask if there is anything she needs help with - practical things are good - walking her dog, giving her lifts, helping with housework or accompanying her to hospital appointments. It's the day to day stuff that sometimes becomes a mountain to climb for cancer patients so any help is great. Sometimes we don't accept help because we don't want to put people out, in that case be proactive - go around to her house & say you were just passing so is there anything you can help with, or drop off a cake or a casserole (if you enjoy cooking or baking). It sometimes breaks the ice!

Meanwhile, take her lead when it comes to opening up emotionally. Don't force the issue, she will bare her feelings if she feels ready to or she may never do so for many different reasons - if this happens don't think she doesn't accept you as a good friend - she is either trying to protect you or she has shared her feelings with close family & is too tired to go over the emotional ground again. If you have a close relationship with her she may continue to be open & honest with you as to her feelings. Let her talk, just listen. Don't suggest miracle cures you have heard about or of someone you know that beat the odds with the same cancer & is still here years later - these suggestions don't help. Just listen & be practical. A fellow cancer patient and friend, sadly no longer with us, had a best friend who became very proactive at arranging 'bucket list' trips that she knew would never get done otherwise. The things she arranged for her, with our friend's full knowledge, were just what she knew our friend would love to do (drive a car around a race track after her licence was removed because of a brain tumour, see her favourite singer in concert, watch her son perform at a well known music venue etc). It gave purpose to her best friend & gave joy to our late friend. I'm not suggesting that you try anything as involved as that but, should your friend suggest something she would like to do, try & arrange it - you will share something wonderful together and it's memories that count.

I hope this helps. It's my view as a cancer patient, and some may suggest otherwise, but I hope you both get to spend quality time together.

Best wishes

Angie (melanoma patient)