I feel like I need an outlet, and here is one. It's fascinating to think about how last month, I was laughing and joking with him. Organised a tutor to help me with maths A-Level. I was completely unaware of his cancer diagnosis at the time, as my parents purposely hid it from me. I found out later, then a few days later he was in hospital. A few days after that, I find out he has stage 4 lymphoma, at the time he was critically ill and they said he could live for a year, but we shouldn't get our hopes up. He miraculously bounced back after a few more days and was able to return home. 

He will be having gentle chemo because of his age (they considered him well enough now to try it!), and the first round will be next week... they're going to see how he responds. What's scary is that I don't even understand all the technical stuff... He's also 80 (yes my daddy is ancient), which means that he is less strong than he used to be.

Is it selfish? I knew he lived a long life, and has never gone to hospital before this point... never really been ill... but I was hoping that I could be with him in my early/mid-twenties. Because he was older I knew that I couldn't expect him to live for a long time... but I wasn't ready for this now. I have my A-Levels this year, and I'm finding it so hard to study. During this current half-term, I went to visit my boyfriend in Northern Ireland to clear my head, and being back when he's now home gives me mixed feelings. On one hand I'm overjoyed, and on the other I just feel so miserable. He was always so strong and always did everything. And now, whilst he is able to walk around, he gets exhausted very easily. Plus, he looks like a bloated squishball!! He was a bit confused before, and now he just finds it hard to remember words/is too tired to carry on a longer conversation with. He understands that I don't really wish to see him so much - I spend most of the time in my room trying to do schoolwork and distract myself. He'd want me to do that anyway instead of fussing over him.

Is it not strange? The uncertainty... and yet I don't want to see him because it's too painful. I still do, but it feels so unfulfilling. To be honest, I don't know how I'll get through this. I've been depressed before and have had multiple suicide attempts, and only recently managed to come out of all that. And I'm very worried about my own mental health because I don't want to go back to that. It would be easier if I was in university, and to be quite honest I cannot wait to go. It seems cruel, but it breaks my heart when I see him not well. Granted, he's doing a lot better than he used to in these past few weeks, and I'm so thankful that he's 'well' enough for treatment, but I cannot stand this uncertainty. I know... we all have to die some day, and since he's a relic, he will die sooner than I. Nevertheless, there is a clock directly above his head now, and I don't know when the clock will strike midnight. 

I want to help him, I offer to do things for him, but he won't let me do much. Other than trying to focus on my exams, what do I do?? Also, how do I understand this cancer stuff? It feels like an A-level in itself!