My dads cancer

Hi everyone, I registered a while back but have never posted until now.  My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer after he retired just over 2 years ago. He was very active, fit and well so it came as a big shock for us all. We were told it was an aggressive form of cancer and they couldn’t operate as it had spread outside the prostate. The only thing they could offer was hormone injections to try and keep it at bay. For other health reasons chemo wasn’t an option for him. Around 3 months after diagnosis it was in his pelvis and ribs but has been fine for the past 18 months. He seems to have went down hill since Christmas, he has been given a catheter bag as he has been unable to pass urine and is passing a lot of blood. He is in a lot of pain and his PSA levels have went up. The doctor referred him for an X-ray due to the pain in his chest and breathlessness. After reviewing the X-ray,  the doctor has said it maybe in his lungs now. We will need to wait until the CT scan and the oncologist appointment but I just see a big change in him. We are a very close family and my children dote on him. My mum is a great support to him, which helps with appointments etc as I struggle to juggle the kids and work on top of everything else.  I really feel as I’m trying to be strong and put a face on for the kids and be there for my mum and dad, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, I know it sounds selfish when it’s my poor dad that’s going through it all. I suppose what I’m looking for is any advice on what the future holds ? I have told my eldest son that he has cancer, but not my youngest, I didn’t want to worry her. Should I start to explain things to her ? 

  • Hi there Marie, and welcome ..

    Oh my ... l think you've been so brave for so long ... holding in all those feelings and emotions we all get .. those going through cancer, and those close to them .. but the hardest part of all is keeping it all bottled up .. it's a bit like a pressure cooker.. it can take lots of heat, but if the pressure isn't relieced it blows up ..

    I found through my journey, the time I started coping with my diagnosis was .. my daughter in law ... she saw how it was effecting everyone separately. . She sat us down and said no more "what ifs" no looking to far ahead .. well take one problem at a time ... and we'll all do it together ..

    Then we started really communicating. . We shared tears, hugs, and everyone admitted it was scary .. and even managed a few smiles too ....but once we were all on the same page .. we walked that path together .. every step of the way ..

    Now my wonderful amazing granddaughter , knew something was going on .. so we decided to be gently honest with her .. she was 6 then .. we told her nanny was very poorly, and the Drs were going to TRY to make nanny better .. once she asked me as I was telling her a story if I was going to die. . I told her if l did I'd be that star next to the brightest one .. and every night I'd look down at her .. and she could look up at me ... she was content with that .. she's the little one in the pic ...

    So if you can be kind to yourself and know all those feelings your having are normal .. l cried for nearly two days .. then picked my self up and because I'd given in to those emotions felt strong enough to go forward .. what ever was going to happen ... to gether .. please never be afraid to admit how you feel .. it's all part of walking this journey together .. now l let myself feel however I feel at that moment .. and if your kids see you cry .. they will feel o.k to cry too .. children are stronger then we realise , if done gently .. McMillan have some book you can buy on their site to help explain to children of all ages ... 

    Sending you a big vertual hug ... Chrissie

  • Hi Marie, I’d be really interested to chat with you. We are in exactly the same position with my dad. Only diagnosed a month ago and no treatment apart from hormone therapy.  He has gone downhill rapidly and has the same struggles that you are describing.

  • Hi Chrissie 

    Thank you for your kind words, you have a beautiful granddaughter. It’s so nice to hear from someone is going through cancer themselves. I took your advice and spoke with my youngest daughter, I was very honest about everything and it turns out she knew more than I thought, she said “I know Grandpa isn’t well that’s why I play cards with him because it makes him smile and I always make sure I move the table over for him because he struggles to reach it and help him put his shoes on”. These are some of little things I had no idea about. She had a little bubble but was very positive. I think being honest with her has helped me a great deal as well.

    Sadly, we got the news we were dreading that the cancer has spread to both his lungs and liver. We went to the appointment as a family and it was the best thing we done. No one is putting a face on anymore, we are all on the same page and all in this together.

    He is in hospital getting a small dose of radiotherapy on his prostate to try and stop the bleeding. They have mentioned chemotherapy which wasn’t an option before but we have to weigh up the risks now. We have asked about drug trials and the consultant has said that’s an option we can look at after the Radiotherapy finishes.

     

  • Hi Marie..

    What a wonderfull daughter you have ... I've found those young ones can cope far better then adults ... it's the not including them that make them scared and anxious ... you done an amazing job there ...

    And I bet you felt like me, once we were all "in it together" and sharing feelings instead of taking them all on your shoulders ... found it was so much better ... I'm very proud of you ... 

    This is going to be a really hard journey for you all .. but since my diagnosis, I just live every day and make the most of each one .. no one knows if they've got tomorrow. . So take every day as a chance to make memories that will last forever ... l find something to smile at every day ... and when cancer wants us face down in the gutter .. we just have to look up at the stars ... don't let cancer take one more day then it has too .. the last thing I will do is stick two fingers up to cancer ... 

    Here's to your dad kicking cancers butt .. and to you all holding on tight together ... big hug brave lass ..  Chrissie