I’ve posted on here multiple times because it’s the only place where I feel like I can keep taking about my feelings where I’m actually understood. My 67 year old precious strong, funny, energetic, loving, athletic, highly educated doctor, respected, kind, dad, best friend, my world was diagnosed with terminal brain and spine cancer last February. I had been married for a year before my dad got sick. So when he got sick I left my husband and we didn’t even go on our honeymoon that we had booked. I left the state I live in my husband my 

career my home everything to come see my dad and  be his full time caregiver. I’m 30 years old. I feel like a 7 year old when it comes to my dad. I’m obsessed with my dad. I love him so much and I’m so terrified of loosing him. I had enough one night and I wanted all to end. For 6 months of 2018 we were in the hospital. I slept there, ate there, showered there I lived there with my mom and my sisters house was 5 minutes away so she went home at night. In June of 2018 when dad was discharged we all came to my sisters house and mom sister and I have been caring for him. I sleep next to him every night on the couch and my back wants to break but I can’t separate myself to sleep I’m a different room. I’m so attached to him. For the past year I’ve been. Getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I’m a 30 year old newly married that feels like a 80 year old with no husband. I miss my husband too and even though we talk everyday I feel like I’m being distant and sometimes I feel like I love my dad way more than my husband. Idk why. I’veaways been a dad girl I mean dad is my best friend. I will give my life for dad if it actually cured him. And sometime I just wanna die thinking there is going to be a world with my dad in it. Now here’s the new problem. I’ve been out of work and bills are stacking up even though has been helping with major of them. My husband is feeling down and sad because he misses me and he was excited to start a new life with me after 9 years of dating. I feel stuck. Last year they said my dad would die within days and mom and sister and I said nope we’re going to fight. There’s no cure but maybe he can live with a good or ok quality of life. We just couldn’t give up. So we got chemo even though everyone thought we were crazy and wanted us to put my 67 at the time year old dad in a nursing home! I will never put my parents in a nursing home even when they’re 100 years old. We got chemo we finished it 9 months of it and he’s stable. But with this cancer things can change out of nowhere. Now my sister is at her own home with her annoying husband and friends and car and at least she has her own things. I have nothing here. No husband no friends no car no work and I’m getting mentally destroyed. I feel like I need to go back and start working again and I keep telling myself my dad is going to live a few more years. Idk why but I just don’t see death as an option not now. My dad is so strong. And maybe after a year it’s time for me to go home because I’m starting to loose my identity. I’m the most sensitive and emotional one out of mom an sister so this is hitting me harder and my thoughts are just crazy compared to there’s. I feel like my being ripped in half. Should I stay or go home and start living some what a normal life even though it’s far from normal. I don’t even know if I can do it but some day I have to. I feel like the worlds worse daughter for even thinking about leaving or my husband when dads sp sick. I’m not choosing him over dad. I just feel like I might completely loose myself if I don’t start working. I just want my dad. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I hate life. I hate it all.