Hi all, 

I'm hoping I can get some advise on how to help my wife cope with her mum's cancer. Her mum was diagnosed 2 years ago, she's undergone operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy but has been told a few months ago that it is incurable and the best they can do is to try and reduce or prevent growth/new tumors. Unfortunately there has not been any success with that and my wife and her family are having to come to terms with the impending reality of the situation. It is this development that has changed the way my wife is acting completely.

Since her mums initial diagnosis I have tried my best to support her, I have a very good relationship with my mother in law and I wanted to be there for her as well as my wife. I've taken a lot of time out of work to help out with hospital appointments/visits or to look after our children while my wife needed to be there for her mum. Our eldest daughter has had health problems over the past year and I took full responsibility with dealing with that so my wife didn't need to have anymore stress especially involving more hospital visits. It's been a tough 24 months trying to juggle everything not made any easier by her step dad being utterly useless in this whole situation, leading to a lot more strain on my wife to do everything and naturally meaning more pressure on me to help out further too. Things have not been great as a couple which given the circumstances was fully expected and understandable, it felt like we were just coping with everything and muddling through it together. 

However this is where we now find ourselves at the turn of the year. My wife has told me she no longer loves me or wants to be with me. She doesn't want my support anymore. I'm not allowed to tell her I love her or cuddle her. She says I agitate her and everything I do is annoying to her. This has happened as if almost a flick of a switch. What completely confuses me is she will still chat to me as if nothing has happened or anything is wrong, she'll speak about home improvements, family holidays or things in the future and then usually when it gets to the evening she will become withdrawn or lash out with the above. The main focus of it seems to revolve around any kind of affection or intimacy (not allowed to kiss, cuddle, touch or express affection, etc). She's adament she is coping, by herself and she doesn't need me. I've noticed she is becoming more withdrawn from friends sometimes and often only does practical things with our children like homework but won't sit and play with them. I've spoken to her about seeing a counsellor so she has somewhere to explain her emotions and process things but she again will lash out and usually say that I'm the problem, that I make her unhappy and a counsellor won't change anything.

I'm wondering if this is common? And what can I do to continue to support her with her mum's situation even though I'm shut out? I'm trying to give her space although it is sometimes difficult when living in the same house and with our children too.

Any advise or similar experiences from either side of the coin would be really appreciated. 

Thanks