Hi,

I'm new to this forum, but so glad I've found it. I'm sorry that this will be a bit of a long one. I just want to speak to someone outside of my situation.

So in Oct one of my closest friends died of Cancer, she was only 23 and had a really tough time throughout her treatment. When I found she died I only cried for 5 or so minutes and then nothing more, not even at her funeral.

Then about a month ago my mum was diagnosed with cancer in the gullet, she has no symptoms and it was only found by chance when she went for a routine endoscopy. Sounds awful but when I was told I felt nothing. I just thought ok well you'll get treatment. 

Then I started to get angry because I had so many plans for this year and it's like they all have to be put on hold. Plus the fact it seems I'm always the last person to be told anything to do with the cancer. If I attend hospital appointments my mum over looks me and consults my aunt. Makes me feel like my opinion doesn't matter.

Today we were up seeing oncology, they are suggesting a trial treatment of chemo and radiotherapy instead of just chemo. For me however it was when my friend started getting radiotherapy alongside her chemo she really started to deteriorate, so I made that clear to my mum and aunt. They then brought it up with the nurse and at the mention of my friend's name and the statement of 'died in October' sent me into tears so I had to leave the room. I asked why my family had to bring my friend up and got a well you mentioned it earlier. I simply then made it clear that, that was with them not with the nurses etc and got told 'not to be so stupid'. So now I'm thinking did I overreact?

Now I just don't know if I was upset over my friend or my mum or what. And now my mum just refuses to bring up her treatment.

I honestly don't know what to feel or think or even do.

I'm sorry this probably seems like a lot of rambling but I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.