my dad, my best friend, my teacher, my world and my everything was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. As if the glioblastoma wasn’t enough it freaking decided to go crazy and spread into his spinal fluid and cover the meningi of brain and spine called leptomeningeal disease. Which is extremely rare. I can’t even believe these words are coming out my mouth. My dad is a doctor. One of the best. He would walk into a room and just by looking at a patient he could tell what was wrong with them. I use to always follow him around. And if itwas for his help I wouldn’t be able to get my owndegree as a nurse practitioner. He was also a mountain climber. Man he could climb a straight wall. But most importantly, he is the best dad a daughter can ask for. Idk if people really understand when I say I’m obsessed with my dad. I’m 31. I have always had this amazing relationship with my dad. I have never kept asecret from him. I do everything with him. I still cuddle with my dad. I just love him so much and the thought of not being able to see, hear, talk and to hold him is destroying me inside and out. Last November my dad started complaining of back pain. Before that he had 2 brain surgeries 2010 and 2016. But I won’t get to those    This time when it came  back he only did radiation but then started feeling very sick and he couldn’t make good medical decisions. When he said his back hurt I thought omg it spread to his spine but I didn’t want to believe. Fast forward to April. From November to April he fell and had burr hole surgeries to remove the fluid. I won’t get into the hell we  went through. In April I had to beg the doctors to do an mri W contrast of his spine because I knew something was wrong. Now he has been in the hospital for over 2 months already. I finally got what I asked for the mri and that’s when we were told he has a cancer with no cure and only about 6 weeks to live. I can’t even remember  the feeling because the shock was so intense that I think my forgot it for my own good. After that we lived in the hospital until June 22nd. I didn’t let my dad die. I begged for gene testing and a specific chemo. My dad can’t walk. Is completely dependent. I’ve given up everything for the past year to be with my dad 24 hours a day. My job and my husband are back at home and I’ve been out of state with my dad mom and sister. I’m so scared. I feel like I’m insane. I cry I’m angry I’m sad I feel guilty   I try to think about his thoughts even though he might not be thinking anything at all. But man I feel guilty for not being the one with cancer. Why did it have to be him not me?  I don’t talk to him about my feelings because I don’t want him to give up hope and for him I have to be strong because he has always been there to protect me and I have to do the same thing for him but I’m so messed up inside. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up