Hello Darceyd I know exactly how you feel my mum was the same and she had the same type of cancer too have you tried to tell your mum how you feel sometimes they don't know your just trying to do a good thing feel free to message me if you need to talk to anyone x

Hi Darcey ...

Bless ya ... you sound an amazing daughter ... and most posts on here are about not being able to act "normal" and want to cry all the time ... my outlook on my cancer is to make the most of every day I've have , long or short ...

But as someone with cancer, I know how hard this must be for your mum ... I have to have at least 2 days totally resting .. l had a masectomy July last year and I'm still finding only short bursts of energy .. even when I get out in the day, I'm cream crackered in the evening ... or if I need to go out in the evening , have to rest that day ...

Your mum has been given a terminal diagnosis ... getting our heads around the word cancer is hard enough ... getting that diagnosis l can only imagine how she must be feeling ... we all have up days, and low days ... what your trying to do would be lovely if your mum was healthy ... 

If you can learn to think, you havnt got to fill every day with wish lists ... sometimes, sitting comfy at home, watching a movie or looking through old albums ... asking her about her childhood memories ... listening to music she likes ... Will mean more to her, then her trying to please you by doing things ...

Those times where you just hold her hand, tell her all what's in your heart .. sharing tears .. and admitting your both scared .. because believe me she will feel scared ... maybe ask mum what she wants to do ... and tell her, it's o.k to stay in .. it's o.k to feel sad sometimes ... it's o.k to do anything she really WANTS to do ... if you can do this , you'll have better memories then going out having fun ... fun comes under many headings ... try not to feel angry ... just love her and hold her hand ... together ... Chrissie

Hi Darcey,

I don't for one minute believe that you're angry with your Mum. Angry with her cancer? Definitely. 

Cancer is so indiscriminate in the people it hurts and the impact it has on their lives and those of their loved ones. It is enough to make even the mildest of us feel angry, but where can you usefully direct that anger? Some people take it out on the health profession - why didn't that useless GP spot this, why didn't the hospital run tests and scans sooner? Others on the patient - why didn't he/she stop smoking years ago when they realised it was bad for you, why aren't they fighting this, why aren't they making every minute count, why are they leaving me? 

As Chrissie has said, unless someone has been through it they cannot imagine the physical, psychological and emotional impact being given a poor cancer prognosis can have. It is utterly horrendous at times. Sometimes just doing everyday things can be a massive challenge and can make you think "what's the point of dressing/eating/getting out of bed - I'll be dead soon anyway?"

Bucket lists are all very well (I'm slowly working through my own) but making genuinely meaningful memories with our loved ones is so important too. A walk on the beach with my wife and dog seems far more important to me at the moment than diving in the ocean with hammerhead sharks, dolphins or turtles (all on my bucket list but only one ticked off so far). 

Your Mum will have good days and bad ones, we all do it's just that cancer emphasises the highs and lows. Cherish the time you have together, make the best of it, stop her from feeling bored and lonely when you can, support her as you have been doing but remember that we all need some quiet down time. 

Good luck and best wishes. 

Dave

My mum didnt find out she had cancer til it was irreversable. Long story but she was one to dodge the doctor. Also, long story short, if shes had time to think about it. Just respect her decision. I know it seems really ***. And all I can say about cancer is "its really ***" Ive come to accept my mums acceptance. And that up to her. I really hate seeing her as freil as she is. And Im trying to ballance the 2. I find it so hard though. Just try your best.

Hi Darceyd,

You have had great advice already so I just want to say how I find it from both sides of the coin. I am a Stage 3 cancer patient & have been for some time. Fortunately I'm not too old or too unable to enjoy every day of my life, if I want to. I have a good balance of fun days & holidays and days where I snuggle up at home & enjoy a glass of wine & the company of my husband.

Not long ago my mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when it had already caused secondary spine tumours & it severed her spinal cord, making her paralysed from the waist down. She was a fit, healthy 77 year old who still walked up the Lakeland Fells with my dad & enjoyed family holidays abroad. She walked every day. She quietly accepted that she was terminal & paralysed and refused to speak about it, thinking she was protecting us all. I would have loved to have taken my mum from her hospital bed for days out but it wasn't to be so we found ways of sharing close moments - washing & styling her hair, giving her hand massages & manicures, talking about old family holidays etc. She left us 10 weeks after her diagnosis. 

Sometimes a loved one with cancer chooses to do nothing with the days they have left & sometimes the choice isn't available to them anyway. I've learned, from both sides of the coin, that at the end of the day the choice is theirs & it should be respected, no matter how much we feel time is being wasted. Sometimes it can be emotionally painful for a parent to spend a lovely day with family, enjoying life - it only reminds them of their mortality. So ask your mum what, if anything, she wants to do when you visit. If she wants to stay home then make it special by cooking a lovely dinner for you both or watch a DVD. Sometimes, just spending time together is enough. x

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 nsclc a little over a year ago. We work together and are extremely close and actually were defending a lawsuit together when she found out. She immediately turned all Company day to day to me and we focused 100% on her disease. We had our differences in the past and we do a lot of loving and fighting hard but this year I have been blessed to go to every appointment with her and be by her side through this journey. 

I will skip to where we are at today. I was the opposite of you when I realized the treatments were no longer working and the cancer was doing it’s thing quickly. She would hit a new medical challenge every month it seemed. I got her into palliative care and made sure she always had the drugs she needed. Yes she too kept saying she had things she wanted to do but honestly if she didn’t do them when she felt ok I wasn’t going to pressure her to do anything when she felt like crap. People would say “she needs to eat” or “she should get out” but that’s a personal choice on how a person chooses to die. Plus I did a LOT of reading and learned to just be supportive and keep her as happy and comfortable as possible. The cancer was doing it’s thing whether she ate a full meal or not.

 She wanted to be home with her kitties and her view of the Bay while I’ve been caring for her along with long term care nurses and hospice. It’s been the least bad story I’ve heard of lung cancer deaths and we’ve had some beautiful moments late at night when we both awaken and she’s talking to people that aren’t there and we quietly tell each other we love each other. She’s nearing the end as she’s weak and not always making sense but she’s not in pain and we even laughed over my horrible job at attempting to diaper her. 

I lost my marriage of 14 years during this time, closed one of my businesses and am watching my best friend die but i would make the same decisions over again. My sponsor(I’m sober a long time) told me I wouldn’t regret a single moment spent with her and it couldn’t be more true. So I’m half in a new home, moving my other company tomorrow, staying at her house at night and during shift changes, carting my kids back and forth and going to meetings but I’m good and she’s safe and smiles every time she sees me (but yells at everyone else lol). 

I guess I’m saying to do what you can and pick you’re battles carefully. And don’t feel guilt over sometimes wishing she would hurry up and die, or mourning her early or being angry...that’s all you’re process and we need to process this as much as they do. There is no wrong way to walk through this as long as you make decisions based on love. 

Kerry 

And I’m totally in the US btw but this was the only board I could find and yes hospice means something different here and they are an amazing resource and help for us in the States 

Kerry 

Hi all,

I wanted to thank you so very much for this reassurance- my mum's cancer has unfortunatly progressed into her brain and has taken much of the independance she previously had away. 

I am confident my mum is enjoying her life still and am more at peace with her wanting to stay in and effectively ditch the bucket list (we already managed 90% of it anyway)!

Thank you so much for your love and kind words during my time of need Xx

Hi D'Arcy.  Bless you for wanting your mum to have her initial bucket list ticked off and for wanting your mum to want to. Sometimes our anger isn't always coming from the place or people we believe it to be.. And also what I've come to understand is what we consider amazing and imagine as fun might not be so much so for the other person. . From watching my mum who also was bubbly and energised with strangers and nurses BUT once alone with me was quiet and exhausted. . But I see now that is because WITH ME she could be. . She could take of her happy hat and be herself which must have been a relief. . I wanted her to have the same enthusiastic energy and if she could have of course she would have. . But they have cancer. It's terminal and a million things they must be trying to process and on top of it all there HAS TO BE PAIN. . And we want them to be fun for us. Because if we see a tiny bit of the side we want we can maybe believe that things are how they should be how we hoped for and our world can be a bit like it once was. . Bless you honestly because your frustration isn't really about your mum and her lack of will 

 It' is more likely to be with f*$@!ng cancer and all that it's taken from your mum's future and yours. At a time when she should be foot loose to do so. . There are many roots attached to your anger and frustration and so guilt is another you don't need. It's your mum's life and it will be her passing and you can look back one day and know that if sitting watching Corrie omnibus is what your mum settled for then you were there settling for that with her. You can make memories eating a fried banana and ice cream. . Obviously if that's your mum's wish. But try and go with her flo whatever that ends up being. . I send you my love and hope. . It's the hardest of times for you both.  Big love x