Hello everyone,

I am hoping to get some comfort/ advice on this chat and hopefully people with similar experiences.

I am from Spain but I live in Edinburgh with my partner. My family lives in my hometown in Spain.

My mum has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast cancer with mets in a couple of ribs and one lung. On top of that my mum has had a clinical depression for the last 10 years which has affected her and everyone else heavily. For the last 10 years she has always relied exclusively on me and my dad (ex husband but with a very good relationship) and that has been quite a responsability for me (specially when I am pursuing my career, have a partner and I am living abroad).

I am an only child and I am devastated by this piece of news. I was by her side when he heard the news and she was devastated and I had to held myself together to be able to support her. I know that Stage 4 is non-curable and I know this means my mum has limited chances of living a long life. The diagnosis on top of the depression she already had means she is very down all day, scared about treatment, cannot sleep and in general does not want to engage much with friends or family.

As I said I live in Edinburgh and after the diagnosis a million ideas has crossed my mind (even quitting my job and going to Spain). Thinking about it I think I need to keep going with my life as much as I can as I don’t think stopping my life would bring me any benefits (and if I am not healthy I don’t think I can help her?) but also being away breaks my heart because every time I speak with her she says how misserable she feels and how everything would be different if I was there (and that obviously makes me feel guilty). I don’t know how much my mum will live but according to the doctors it could be several years. I feel like I just cannot give up my life for x years.

From a caring point of view I feel like I have achieved a good compromise as I have had a chat at work and due to the fact my job is quite flexible I am going to be able to work from Spain 1 week of every 3 (and be there for the 1st week of every chemo session) which I think it is a very good deal. However I do wonder how much going back and forth and supporting my mum is going to affect me? Can I put up with everything?

I feel sad, angry, upset etc. but I obviously want to support her as much as I can (without compromising my life) but where is the limit? It is very difficult to know how much is too much. Supporting my mum is going to be very difficult as she is very down and I think it is going to be specially challenging to keep my mental health. I am already going to a counsellor which is helping but I am scared about how the chemo is going to go, the type of support my mum will need and how I am going to cope with everything that I have on my plate.

Any thoughts/ opinions or similar experiences are appreciated.

Many thanks

Adrian