Hi! 

I lost my grandma a couple of months ago and have since avoided talking about it unless to family members. My grandmother has been one of, if the not the most powerful influences in my life. She was always there for the happy times, sad times and everything is between, she was and still is the first person I want to tell when something happens in my life. In the build up to her death, it was very uncertain how much time we had left, I felt guilty for feeling resigned to the fact that she was going to die, however even in the days beforehand I still kept a small bit of hope that we’d have until Christmas, it’s natural! I have learnt through the grieving process, that it is completely normal to feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. In life we have no way of knowing what comes next and when it comes. All I can say to you is to never feel guilty for the past! She knows how much you love her, even if you can’t say it as often as you like to! I focused so much on not crying in front of my grandma that I can’t remember what her last words were to me, please don’t fear your emotions, just know that if it hurts or it upsets you that it means you feel a love that is so strong. Try your best to do your own research into your grandmothers condition and treatment, even have a look at homeopathic help for side effects of the treatment so that when you do see her, you can feel like your helping! It’s so normal to feel helpless and useless in situations like these, I dropped out of uni after my grandmother died and felt, for a while (still do from time to time) that I had lost my purpose, my drive, but now I strive to do things I know my grandmother would love to hear about! Never feel like your lack of knowledge is something that hinders your ability to care! You are the only one that can change how much you speak to her and how much you know about what’s going on, don’t let how you might feel get in the way of  what you want to say. Time is so subjective, and although cliche, we value quality over quantity, so the time you do spend talking to/being with your grandmother, make it count, make it something memorable for both yourself and her. 

Sincerly, a fellow granddaughter who needed help.