Hi,

So sorry to read about your family being hit by cancer twice at the same time. I can only imagine what you're going through.

Ask yourself why you feel guilty. Have you done somethng to cause your Dad's cancer? Unlikely. Is there something you wished you had done that might have prevented his cancer? Unlikely. 

We all feel helpless when faced with cancer - when my Mum was diagnosed I would have done anything to make her better but eventually I had to accept that there was nothing I could do or could have done to change things. Now I have cancer I'm sure my son feels the same way. 

A lot of people feel guilty because they don't have cancer but someone they think is more deserving dowsn't. Cancer is utterly random and uncaring - good people are just as likely to develop it as evil people are. We can reduce the odds of developing cancer by not smoking, drinking less alcohol and by maintaining a healthy weight - but only 40% of cancers are preventable the rest are down to pure bad luck (or genetics and environmental factors if we want to be scientific). 

Having cancer can trigger depression, it can also make us intolerant when other people start to tell us how bad they feel about us having cancer and how it is affecting them. We don't hate them, we just have our own issues to deal with. Time and again on this forum cancer patients have said how they feel they are spending so much time comforting friends and family who are so devastated by their own diagnosis. Maybe your Dad needs a bit of time to himself to help him come to terms with his new reality? It is so hard to know what to do for the best, sometimes whatever we say or do feels wrong.

There's no right or wrong way to go about this - you are right this is a cruel disease - all we can do is do our best for each other and somehow muddle through. 

Best wishes

Dave 

Hello and welcome.  We all feel helpless in the face of cancer and wish, oh how we wish we could do something that would make a difference.  You sound to be doing your best for your family and regardless of how he comes across I bet your dad is really pleased that you choose to spend so much time with him.  When my dad was dying I was living at the other end of the country and travelled to see him at weekends.  I was always greeted with the message that he had not wanted me to come all this way to see him but was pretty sure he was secretly pleased that I had done so.  There is no guidance for us as we struggle to do our best for those we love; we can only do what we feel to be right and the best thing to do as we only have the one shot at getting it right.    So pleased you have got good support from your partner.  Does your dad talk with you when you are there with him?  He is still the same dad who raised and loved you and may like to talk about things in his life.  Good on you for trying so hard to do the right thing; you are a good daughter.    Annie