Hi. Um, I don't really know where to start. I just wanted to get this off my chest, maybe talk to some people that know what I'm going through. Quick background is I have two sisters, one who's been with my dad since he was diagnosed. My other sister and he haven't talked in about 15 years, and she's going to visit him tomorrow. Me? I'm few states away. I've never been the emotional type, but I'm a wreck right now.
My Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer a few weeks ago. Due to the garbage (my opinion) staff at the hospital, we still don't know the full extent of the cancer. We think it's in his liver, pancreas, lungs, and who knows where else at this point. They still haven't done enough tests to figure out where all the cancer is or isn't. He went into the hospital last night due to his vitals being super low, and we were informed that his kidneys were failing, and probably weren't going to get any better. Due to being too weak for chemo, the doctor recommended hospice care.
Now, I know my dad. Even without the conversation we had when I went to visit a week ago for a few days, I knew he was the type to not want to prolong the inevitable. He's tough, he's stubborn, and he's active. If he can't get up and travel, even if it's to my niece's volleyball games, he'd rather die.
Saying that doesn't make it any easier to know that I'm about to lose the most important person to me. He's a great father, and I couldn't have hoped for better. He taught me love, honor, responsibility, work ethic, manners, and how to generally not be a terrible human being. I know that he'll live on, in my memory and the lessons he taught me.
That doesn't make it any easier. I'm a wreck. To know I may never hear his voice again. To never talk about something stupid like the latest Star Wars, or the places he's travelled, makes me sick. My chest tightens up just thinking about it.
More than anything, just knowing how sad he is, and in pain, and confused, and generally lonely and afraid, sucks. I'm pretty sure we'll lose him soon, and I feel completely powerless and alone. To know that his whole life, everything he's endured and overcome, will be over is overwhelming to me. I wish there was something I could do, and I know there's not. I can't even afford to be with him right now. All I can do is be here to talk to him, when he's feeling strong enough. He went downhill so quickly, and it's causing all kinds of conflicting emotions inside of me. I'm scared, I'm heartbroken, and I feel so alone. A huge part of me wants to let him know that it's ok to let go. To no longer be in pain, or alone. I know he'd rather die than waste away to a vague she'll of who he's been the past 74 years. To not be an "old man" as he puts it. And truly, it is ok with me. I'd rather know that he's passed than live unhappily. But the selfish, irrational part of me wants to say, screw that. I want my dad around.
I just don't know what to do, or who to talk to.
Thanks for listening, sorry if I ramble, or come across as selfish. That's not my intention. There's just a lot going on in my brain, and I don't know how things come across lately. I'm just, I don't know, kind of blank right now.
Thanks again, and take care everyone.
