Hi everyone. The time I feel the loneliest and most helpless is at night I think. I'm caring for my aunty who has primary oesophageal cancer with liver and bone mets. She has small cell carcinoma, which is super aggressive and rare for primary oesophageal. 

Anyway, she was only diagnosed at the beginning of August. She had a bit of chemo, but the cancer didn't respond and she had really low sodium, so was in hospital for 10 days. She was struggling to eat so they fitted a stent and now she is at home for palliative care. 

She was discharged on Monday and we have carers come in four times a day. I've been sleeping nearby on the sofa at the night so I can help her if she needs anything. The first night was terrible for her and I learnt a lot. She was coughing and in pain, i felt so helpless. I tried everything, and in the end gave her some oromorph and sat her hospital bed up further and finally managed to give her some relief and she slept. This was after three hours of her being restless and in pain.

Tonight I did my best to try and give her a good night's sleep. She had a sleeping pill (i tried to encourage her to take two, but she finds taking pills so tiring because it's very difficult to swallow) and 10mg of morphine. Now at 4am she is quite restless and making little groaning noises occasionally, however when i look in on her (repeatedly) she doesn't seem to be fully awake (I've left her with a night light as she doesn't like it to be too dark). Do you think I should wake her and give her more morphine, or should leave her if she's asleep even if the quality of sleep isn't very good? The prescription says it can be given every four hours, I hate seeing/hearing her suffer if there's something I can do to ease it.

Thanks for reading my long post. It's such a comfort to know there's people I can talk to who understand. I'm quite frightened of what's to come and torn between wanting her to let go but also not wanting to lose her. Sometimes the thought of it all makes me feel so frightened I want to run away, I hate seeing her suffer. Going from a strong and independent lady with a sparky sense of humour to this, it's so undignified for her and I know she hates it. But then I feel so guilty for feeling like that because I know she needs me and that she prefers my care over anyone else (she doesn't have kids and lost her husband very young 15 years ago, I'm her closest female relation). I love her so dearly, and the whole thing is such a nightmare.