Hello Shirley

Welcome to the forum. You have both certainly been through the mill over the last six years. It's unsurpising that you are feeling so very tired. You must be exhausted. 

I know that we have some wonderful people here who have cared for loved ones and will be able to identify with those feelings that you mention. [@jules54]‍, [@supermum]‍, [@SusanRuth]‍ and [@Caz07]‍ are some of our members here who will be able to identify with some of what you having written about in your post. Hopefully they will reply to your post when they get chance. 

If you think it would be helpful to chat to one of our team of nurses then they are available Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm on 0808 800 4040. 

Keep in touch Shirley - we're hear to listen. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Dear Shirley,  Hi it's Caz07, I've  been on this cancer treadmill for nearly twenty months with a husband who has stage 4 lung cancer, incurable.   It is hard to cope with and many days are better than worse.  My main aim is to start each day afresh and see how he feels.  The anger is normal but it becomes personal because they are not angry with others!  It really makes you cross as you do everything you can but still get yelled at!  Two options,  walk away or tell him to stop being angry with you, it's a shock to be told your actions are wrong as they become entrenched in the cancer mode.   Try and do something for yourself each day, go for coffee with a friend or even on your lonesome the break and peace is bliss, join a dance class, I do two a week and feel better to cope.   If he moans I say jokingly,  is that your first moan of the day! , it makes him think.  So stop *** footing around with him, you're there for him and that should be appreciated.   The two of you are going through it,  not just him.  Look at some of my daily posts and see how I stay strong for another day.  Good luck,  kind regards,  Carol 

 Hi Shirley, I totally and utterly empathise. 6 1/2 years! My goodness me I am run ragged after 18 months. How on earth have you managed to keep going?

 I’m so pleased you have managed to find your way to this forum. Hopefully you will find some comfort talking to people and sharing your problems – I certainly do. 

 Have either you or your husband had any form of counselling?  That would definitely be something I would recommend if it is your thing.  Secondly, have you spoken to his medical team about the mood swings? It is probably a combination of the situation, his anger, frustration and confusion, and his cocktail of drugs but there may be something that can be done to put him back on an even keel.

 Thirdly, as Caz  says, put yourself first. It is so important that  you do something for yourself every single day. A hot bath, facial, a coffee with friends, a walk, watch a film, anything to get some time for you.  If you are not able to cope mentally then you are not going to be much support to him, so it is so important to look after yourself. Much easier said than done, I totally get that.  I am very, very lucky. Steve is completely at peace with what is going on ( he is even making plans to donate his body to science so that it will help research progression of his particular disease) and his only thoughts are for me so it is very easy for me to spout advice but I have no real experience of what you are going through in terms of your relationship. That said, it could all change for me tomorrow too.

 I cried when I read what you mean about being robbed.  I know how you feel, I think. Steve and I  i’ve been married 30 years and together 33, We were two  years away from retirement and we had saved and saved for a fantastic time in our autumn years but that is not going to be. I don’t think we are going to have a happy ending or rather our happy ending is going to be much sooner than we anticipated.  It is monumentally sad for everyone in this situation. 

 Please keep in touch with people on this forum,  you will be able to vent all your anger and emotion and you will be supported by people who are going through this dreadful, dreadful disease. 

 Take care of yourself and much love to you both.  

Shirley, cannot begin to imagine your pain. In the same boat with my husband about the mood swings and anger and working hard to deal with it. It can take a huge toll. I recommend two things

1 For you- tell yourself everyday that you are doing your best and give time to yourself. Also cut yourself some slack if you think you failed to meet his expectations sometimes. It's been a long battle and no one can sail through without cutting themselves some slack

2. For your spouse- not sure about the medical system in your country, but we got access to palliative care, which includes therapy customised to cancer patients and their family as well as anti depressants and pain killers. Before experience with my spouses cancer, I would always say a big no to meds for pain and depression, but now I understand life is short and he deserves whatever time left to live in peace. He hasn't taken to therapy though, which I feel would help more, but honestly right now whatever works is fine with me.