Oh dear, such a shame that this has come back.  I should take your lead from how your friend is feeling.  Don't try to jolly her along if she isn't feeling like that.  Positive is good but you have to accept that your friend probably has fears that she would like to be able to discuss with you.  It must be distressing for her that the cancer has returned and nothing will change that so listen to her and try to understand where she is coming from.    Ask her about her treatment and what she feels about it.  If she also wants to talk about other things then go along with her too; she is still the same friend and even though this must be in the forefront of her mind she may want to discuss the same interests you have always shared.  Is there anything she would like as a cheer-up present?  Talk about her family also who are probably worried and doing what they can to help her.  Sorry this is so general but others who have actually been in this situation may have more helpful advice.  Good on you for thinking about this.  Annie

Hi,

I am in the same position as your friend in that I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy 8 years ago and then found the second lump in the same breast a year later. This time I had a double mastectomy.

Good for you for staying by your friend and wanting to support her. Many cancer patients, myself included have found that friends we had before cancer seem to melt away, whilst others really came to the fore.

The best advice I can give you is to just be yourself. I imagine that she is currently afraid that this is a secondary cancer and she won't be able to disprove this until she has had the necessary tests. Her next worry will be about surgery and possibly the appearance of her breast following a second surgery. Try to be positive for her, but not overly optimistic if the news is bad.

Be there for her. I agree with Annie. Let your friend lead the conversation. Most people are glad to have a close confidante who they can express their innermost fears and hopes to. Annie has given you good advice. Some people want to talk about their condition, whilst others don't want to think about it and would rather talk about normal day to day matters - you probably already know which your friend would prefer.

What type of surgery is she going to have this time? If she is going to have a mastectomy, she will need post-surgery bras and possibly some nightdresses that button up the front. These are handiest post-surgery and I'm sure that you could help her shop for these. Visiting her when she is in hospital can also help to raise her spirits.

I hope that it all goes well for her and that you manage to find the right level of conversation to support her through this latest ordeal.

We are always here for you both. Please keep in touch.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Bless you for trying so hard to be a good friend.  I would ask Jolamine to give more detailed information about the cancer having spread beyond the breast as she will have a better understanding of what this may entail.   Do you know what organs are affected (this question is addressed to you friendof).  I don't know that  - even though I regard Jolamine as very knowledgeable on this subject - she would be able to give you any realistic prediction on what the next results will say.    But hang on in there - don't go seeking out bad things that might happen when talking with your pal. As the saying goes "Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof" which of course means just deal with what you know now.  But I feel confident you will be able to let your friend lead on what she wants to talk about and join in with her on that.  Annie

Hi Friendof,

I hadn’t realized that you are doing this from a distance. A six hour flight with a young baby is never easy and will not come cheap. This makes it more difficult to support your friend, but not impossible.

It sounds as if she maybe now has secondary cancer, if it has spread to other organs. Waiting for 6 months to see if the second course of radiotherapy has killed all the cancer cells is an anxious time. If you have both been through tough times before, then prepare yourselves for more of those tough times. This time you may find that your friend cannot just laugh this off and requires a more listening ear as Annie has already mentioned.

It is just as well that your friend is a strong person. She’ll need to be to fight this. I am sure that she will look forward to normal conversation and she is bound to look forward to hearing all about your baby. There will also be times when conversation is possibly of a more serious nature. Does she have family and friends to support her here in the UK or is she on her own here?

Scrap my advice about bras and nighties. It sounds as if she is past that stage. How do you communicate with her – do you Skype or What’s App her occasionally? She will enjoy seeing the changes in your baby each time you contact her. There will also be room for more serious conversation concerning how she feels about this latest diagnosis, what additional organs are involved, how she feels after radiotherapy, how her family are coping with this, what support she is getting, is she experiencing pain, what medication is she taking, is she sleeping well? There are a host of similar questions.

She will also need to prepare herself for good or bad news in 6 months’ time. I am no doctor, so I can only guess at the outcome and as far as I can deduct there are 3 options:-

Radiotherapy has cleared the cancer cells and all is fine – I say this but unfortunately, it doesn’t sound very likely.

Radiotherapy has reduced the number of malignant cells and slowed down the rate of growth and/or spread.

Radiotherapy has not managed to get rid of the cells and the disease is still spreading. At this stage they may try chemotherapy to slow down progression or that may decide just to manage any pain your friend is having.

I am sorry that I cannot be more positive about the outcome, but I sincerely hope that radiotherapy will manage to improve her current situation.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx