Hiya LozzyJayne.

Honestly I'm feeling in a very similar boat to you. My sister has had brain surgery for Glioblastoma and whilst shes not on morphine at the moment , we've been told she is slightly brain damaged and exhibits similar behaviour to your dad, she repeats things shes said over and over (forgetting the instant shes said them), tells you people have been to see her she hasn't seen in years, and just comes out with the most random nonsense all the time. She'll just babble about how she saw me on the tv today or random nonsense and everyone will laugh but i just dont find it funny; its tragic.

She was brilliantly clever and wonderfully eloquent before all this so its all the more devastating. 

She's been given an estimated 3 months, but i too wonder how long I will be able to cope for as some days feel too much already.

There are the odd lucid moments though, where her old self breaks through for a moment. I get through the babble, knowing its not her, knowing its not her fault and holding on to those lucid moments and making sure I remember them as they are all the more precious when she simply says "I love you" 

I think your dad loves you, you are being so strong and supportive being there for him. If he was in his right mind and could stand back and watch all that was going on, im sure he wouldn't mind if you needed to pop out for a walk or a tea to clear your head when it's all getting too much, he'd probably encourage it as wouldnt want his nearest and dearest to harm themselves in trying to be there for him. If you need 5 mins to look after yourself you must, if you dont look after yourself you can't support him and be there for him properly, as i am learning after months of running myself ragged at the hospital.

I wish you both all the best, please do what you need to do to also take care of yourself xxx

Hi Lionheart, 

So sorry to hear about your sister; I know exactly what you mean when you say everyone finds it funny but you don't. You're right; it's not funny when it's a constant reminder that the person you knew and loved is fading away right in front of you and there's nothing you can do to bring them back :( 

I know I should take time to care for myself, and I'd be happy to do that if there was someone else in the house to watch him. But it's just me, and I'm so worried he'll hurt himself or get into trouble while I'm gone. He's already tried to pack a suitcase and leave the house because he thought he was going away on holiday for four days :( 

I'm also worried because there were some financial things we wanted to sort out as well; when he was reasonably clear-headed, we had talked about changing his bank account to a joint one so that I could access any money I needed to straight away after he's passed to pay for any funeral expenses or bills etc; now he's so confused all the time, I don't think he's ever going to be lucid enough for us to get it sorted, which means I'll struggle financially when he's gone, which is causing me even more stress and strain. I just don't know what to do for the best. 

Ah okay, yes I suppose it's easy for me to say but if you are the only one there to watch him it makes things alot more complicated.

Have you spoken to the bank? My parents were quite dependant on my sister for money and she still has all her direct debits coming out of her account and all her savings to one side. My dad phoned the bank and they said as soon as she passes and he has the certificate they'll get everything stopped, they mentioned something to him about transferring the cost of the funeral direct from her savings to the funeral director. They were quite sympathetic and understanding of the situation so maybe worth giving the bank a call and seeing what thier turnaround time is and what docs youll need in advance so you can be prepared.

I worry about my sister and the hospice shes in, they gave her a nurses alarm button yesterday and told her what it was for. Two minutes later I asked what she needs to do if she needs a nurse and she just said, dunno? Scream? It's horrible to watch such smart funny and clever people reduced and i hate to think what shed think if she could see herself now.

All we can do is watch and take every day, every hour and every minute one at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Stay strong, it's sounds like you're doing a remarkable job under tremendous pressure x

My husband was the same on the slow release morphine. Tell your oncologist and they will try him on some other kind of morphine. Don is now taking liquid oxynorm with paracetamol and extra doses of it when needed. Much better not spaced out and confused.