Hi,
My father is in his 70s and was diagnosed with prostate cancer almost three years ago. He lives in the South East and I live in the South West. We have appointments at hospital every three months and I make the journey and take him to hospital.
He is very scared and lonely as he lives by himself and very depressed. Anti deprecants I think. He spends most of the time at home waiting for me to call him.
I'm struggling to support him during our telephone calls. I phone him daily.
He doesn't believe that I will be there for him, that I will be able to make the journey, that I will book the train tickets, or turn up at his flat on time. Our conversations don't usually progress much past that. From the moment I return home after an appointment he begins to worry about me making the journey to met him to take him to his next appointment. What happens if the train breaks down? If there is snow how will I be able to get to him? What about a flood or train strike?
Does anybody have any tips on asking him to trust me and to break out of this cycle of continued questioning? I have told him I will always be there but he isn't convinced I will be there. It's very draining. After three years I want to cry. In three years I have probably told him over 100,000 times that I will be there to take him to hospital but he isn't quite sure. We haven't had a single bad experience. Come rain, snow or shine I have made the journey and it passes without incident. But he continues to wonder if I will be there to take him to hospital.
Do I loose my temper with him, do I hang up, should I listen patiently, should I change the subject?
He is desperate to remind me that he is in (mental) pain, that he didn't deserve all the bad things that have happened to him during his life, that this situation won't go on for every and that I am the best son in the World.
He smokes more than ever. Has few friends. Unfortunately his best friend died recently which has made him very upset. He is very tearful on the phone to me. He talks to himself while on the phone to me "Ohhh my favourite son has phoned me, it's Christmas come early" etc. He grows very anxious whenever my car goes into the garage or if there is a train strike or anything that will affect me getting to take him to hospital.
I would like to talk to him about other things but don't get very far. He claims he has panic attacks which I'm doubtful of, that he has had a nervous breakdown etc. I suspect he has his enjoyments but does spend an awful lot of time asking if I will be there to take him to hospital.
Recently I went on holiday in the UK campaing and had 24 answer machine messages after not phoning him for one day. My wife had a huge number of missed calls and my in-laws also received several phone calls asking if they knew why I wasn't phoning him. I received text messages from people I didn't know asking me to phone him. It's a full time job for him on the days when I phone late. I often wonder if he gets enjoyment out of asking me repeatedly if I will be there.
He isn't interested at attending a cancer support group or phoning a help line or going to a GP. It's much more fun for him to ask me if I will be there for his next appointment.
Any tips or advice would be welcome. Is anybody else in a similiar position? How could I make him trust me? What should I do. He doesn't talk to any other family members apart from me.
Thank you.
A Carer.
