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Mum has pancreatic cancer but I'm angry

Smiffie85
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Hi all. I don't know how to start this and it's going to sound awful. My mum has terminal pancreatic cancer, she is in her 70's. Myself, my husband, my two children and my mum and dad all live together. I work full time but i am off for the school homidays. Since she was told I have helped out alot with trips to appointments, emotional support for both my mum and dad, house work, prepping meals etc. I have bought my mum loads of new clothes as she lost weight to make her feel better about herself and I do her hair. 

My mum hasn't been given a time scale or stage but is having chemo every week. My dad is really struggling with the thought of one day losing my mum and he is a mess. My mum says she wants to live a normal and full life as long as she can and I know it most be awful for her to go through all this.

 However she doesn't do anything to help herself live a normal life. The day of chemo and at least 3 days after are a wipe out because she won't move out to bed incase she gets ill and so she basically has a 3 day week. I try to make her do things and get her up but she is very negative and says she can't because she feels too ill. I feel like I have got to the point where I can't keep doing this with her because it's driving me to insanity and taking away my patience with my children. I feel so down and depressed alot which is taking it's toll on me. I can't stand to see my dad so down all the time but yet I am so angry at my mum for not even trying! 

This sounds like such an awful post but I can't talk.to any one else about it and I would like to know if anyone else has felt like this in this situation.  

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    Hi

    This is a personal viewpoint. Please do not call yourself selfish as you are all, as a family, going through an extremely difficult journey.  In my case it was my husband with terminal cancer with no given timeline so have a little insight though our family were not living at home.

    You are tired,upset, angry, frustrated and probably terrified at your Mum's diagnosis and trying to cope with the children being on school holidays (and if your are in the UK dealing with the heat too).  There is only so much you can manage and your Mum will quite possibly find that chemo, even if it does not make her physically sickm will take a lot out of her.  My hubby had palliative chemo   whilst his body was strong enough to withstand it (about 4 sessions in the end) and only went out occasionally. He was 60 at diagnosis and felt absolutely shattered, had mood swings and was unable to have the 'normal' life as we had known it but did enjoy seeing his granchildren even if unable to join in their activitites. 

    I hope you may have access to MacMillan nurse but you can ring them to see how best to help you as a family and be  sure to tell your GP.

    Chatting on the forum helped me a lot as I was able to vent my feelings  and there are many 'readers' who will understand your feelings.

    If your Mum prefers the privacy of her own room it could be her way of coping just know and as her life partner your Dad will possible be feeling lost as he struggles day to day.  I wish I could offer a solution other than just chatting.  My hubby just preferred us not to talk 'cancer' around him as he felt this kept his life more as it should be.  Time limiting illness is stressful so if you have or are offered support take it with both hands and try (I know how immensley difficult this is) to grab even 30minutes in a day to look after you.  Regards Jules54

  • Offline in reply to jules54

    My sister was very similar to how you are dealing with all of this. When my mom had radiation therapy it drained her and she would spend days or weeks in bed. It just became normal. My sister lived upstairs from her so she would see this all the time and it made her very angry.

    I had a very different perspective, because I didn't live with her. I visited her a couple of times a week and would help her out with anything she needed. 

    I think the staying in bed is partly due to not feeling well and partly due to depression. I think that when people go through cancer (and it's worse if they have other illnesses as well) that they feel really down and lose the drive to do anything. 

    I think it must be very scary for your mum to be going through what she's going through, and it's probably something we can't understand unless we go through it ourselves. 

    All I can suggest is to try and be a bit more patient and understanding with her. I don't know if there are any kind of services she might be eligible for, but it might be worthwhile to look into it if it will help everyone cope a bit better with such a difficult situation. 

    All the best

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    Hi,

    I too wanted to live a normal a life as possible. Having said that, I've had chronic illnesses of one sort or another for over 20 years, so my normal was much restricted compared to other people.

    A cancer diagnosis changes everything, as you'll be aware. Nothing will ever be the same again and 'normal' will have changed for everybody.

    I have a remitting/relapsing cancer and although now in remission, it will come back, maybe in 6 months or a year, maybe next week. It could also take 5, 10 15 years or more to return. It thus makes sense for me to have as normal a life as possible, rather than sitting and waiting for it to happen.

    As well as having continuing fatigue, I'm inherently lazy, according to others. I've never felt the need to be doing something all the time and can quite contentedly sit for hours without being bored. My pleasures come from little things.

    However, I've had to be encouraged to get up, shower and go out at various times. Going out when I didn't really want to sometimes made me feel better but many times, made me feel uncomfortable or unwell the whole time I was away from home and my chair, which has obviously become my safety blanket.

    Home is the safe pace, where we are most at ease. All else creates a measure of stress, which can be damaging, mentally as well as physically.

    I think you're right to keep trying to encourage, although not to a level that's causing you stress. You're also important, as is your own health.

    Anger is a wasted emotion, with no benefits for anybody. It will contribute to conituous low mood and possibly depression. And on that note, I recommend that everyone involved closely with cancer consider taking anti-depressants. They can be a huge help.

    I'vee been on duloxetine for years. It doesn't render me zombie-like or emotionless but it does mean that I cannot hold a negative thought for more than a few seconds.

    I wish you and yours well

     

    Best Regards

    Taff

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