Hello Vivy; so sorrythat you find yourself in this situation.    If you asked your partner to give the medical staff permission to keep you informed about his illness do you think he would agree to this?  It may be that he is just exhausted and cannot manage to cope with telling you himself.  Also you need to look after yourself in order help your partner.  I think that you should visit your GP and get whatever you need to help get you through this.  I realise that even with medical help it is such a difficult time that you will feel awful anyway but please take whatever help you can.  Also are there family and friends (both yours and his) around to help you and with whom you can talk?  Don't try to cope with this on your own.  I am pleased you have come here; I and others here are always willing to chat about what you are feeling.  Best wishes.  Annie

No we have friends but not much family. I haven't been to see the GP yet as I am having problems focusing and I'm very forgetful and can't remember where I put things dow and I'm terrified of losing my phone or the internet going down as it is my lifeline. My partner looks so ill I don't think he will be able to come home and there he is being monitored every couple of hours. I don't like going to the hospita as it makes me feel really sad, I think if I could speak to the medical team I would feel more prepared for the future. All the tests come back good, no spread just in the liver. I don't think he will be strong enough for surgery and that is so frightening. I have lost a neighbours keys somewhere in my house, I have told them and I said I would pay to get them recut but they said not to worry.

On a positive note I am going to walk her dog with her on Monday. I managed breakfast today and I am drinking milk so am eating something. I think going out will be better for me. Small steps just one small one at a time xxxx

Hello again; do you have some system for remembering things - on your phone and/or a big calendar on the wall where you can see what you have to do each day more easily?  You need to keep eating something or  you really will go downhill.  I often have a cup of that well-known drink full of vitamins (I don't think we are supposed to mention brand names)  during the night if I cannot sleep and find that quite effective. (I like the chocolate flavour). 

You  need to know what is happening; explain how not knowing is making you ill and you desperately need information and hopefully he will let the doctor talk with you.  I think, awful as it might be, you would definitely feel better if you just knew and although you would feel sad if the outcome is bleak you wouldn't feel so frightened and sad without knowing the whole picture.   When you do visit is there much conversation or is your partner too ill to do much talking?  You say he sleeps a lot.  If he still does not tell you anything you could speak to the doctor yourself and ask at what point in your partner's deterioration are you going to be allowed to know what is going to happen.   You can but try.  

Make use of friends to do things for you when you cannot cope; even spending quality time with them would  be a break for you.  You must take care of yourself. I am pleased you are going to have nice doggy walk on Monday; that is what I am about to do!   It is great to have good neighbours, isn't it?  Annie