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Struggling to cope with caring for mum

case511
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Hi all, for a few months now I've been caring for my mum who has been diagnosed with cancer which has spread to her lymph nodes and breast. We were told by the consultants that the type of cancer she has is incurable so she has been recieving pallative care and is currently having chemo and morhphine. Since her diagnosis, I have been struggling to cope with caring for mum, and hate seeing her in the state she is in, not being able to take all the pain away. Shes developed tumours on her skin and ulcers, some of which require dressings from the district nurse each week.  She has lost a lot of weight and is now bed bound and needs help with being lifted.  I have been struggling to lift her and help her to get to the bathroom safely and time goes on I worry of not being able to give her the right care she deserves, not that I think I'm all that great now because to be frank I feel useless and drained.

Getting into a routine has made things easier, but I'm still struggling to adjust to all the changes and feel very isolated. I have had to leave university in order to take care of her, and wish I had someone to understand. I would really apreicate any advice on how to better cope as I don't have any support from my other family members or friends and would like to stop crying everyday.

Thanks.

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    Hi there ...

    You must be plumb tuckered ... Of course you can't do all that by yourself ... Have you tried McMillan free phone or Marie curie ...? Both come out to help with palative care ... You need a brake, before you brake ...  I've told my lad I want to go in a hospice when l need more help and can't care for my self ... The hospices are wonderful places ... You don't go there to die ... You go there to make the most of every day you have ... Have you looked around ... She will be cared for 24 hours a day ... You can have a brake ... And spend quality time with her ... That's what I want for me ... 

    Your not super man , your just human ... So be kind to your heart ... And know your doing good ... Love sometimes means taking a step back ... You will have lots of different feelings walking hand in hand with your mum... But don't let feeling guilty be one of them ... You should be proud of yourself ... 

    Sending you a vertual hug ...  Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you for your kind words Chrissie. We already have a macmillian come in occasionally, then the district nurses come once a week to change dressings. I don't know much about hospices, but will have to look into it, though I'm not sure mum would want to since it's been a challenge to get her to accept any help in the first place, but maybe she would be open to it if things did worsen, which although I don't want it to I know that it probably will.

  • Offline in reply to case511

    Hi again ...

    Well I'm here if you wanna chat ... l can't take it away, or make it better ... but I can listen ... so hold on ... at least writhing things down helps not hold everything in ...

    Take care ... Chrissie x

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    You aren't alone.  I'll be in the same place as you in 6-months time.  I don't have support from any other family members either.

    Do what you think is right at the time.  You are doing a wonderful job.  Are you able to take some time for yourself each day?  It is relentless. But I cope by looking at the overall situation rather than the daily grind and daily frustrations and sadness.

    Phone a helpline.  I have always received good advice.

     

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hi Chris s

    We have been that the hopsice near us will not take my husband until he is very near death.  The District Nurse and McMillan Nurse are both aware that my husband does not wish to die at home and wants a place iin a hospice but they are not listening.  His cancer has spread to his brain and each day there is a declne in his mental state but basically until he is a vegatable and if there is a bed free, they will not consider the hospice.   It is a terrible position to be in to try and make your loved ones comfortable and feel safe at their time of need and doors are slammed in your face.   He was released from hospital this week with only weeks to live.

    So we will continue doing what we can to ensure a peaceful time trying to hide our inner stresses and worries, but you know that the they know - such heartache and anger plays havoac with my own mental state

    Love and light to all

    X

  • Offline in reply to Cada

    That's heartbreaking ... I wish I was there my star sign is taurus and red rags set us off ... I'd be on the phone to your M P  .... There's a free phone here too , maybe they can tell you what to do now ...

    I used to volenteer for McMillan and they are amazing here ... It must differ in other parts of the country ... Is there no other hospice ... If not I've heard Marie Currie  help through the night in those last week's .,  Keep trying ... Don't give up ..  McMillan helped twice a day for my brother in law in his last week's ... 

    This really upsets me coz that's my wishes if and when I am on that last journey... I want to go into a hospice ... Even if I have to put a tent up in their garden   ; )) . 

    Good luck ... Will be thinking of you ... Chrissie xx

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