Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your loved one's diagnosis. It seems to me you are both very brave. What you are facing sounds so scary. But cancer medicine is very advanced these days and there are a lot of success stories. My mother was told by her medical team that she had a 10 percent chance of surviving five years. That was in 2008. She beat the odds on that one (although she passed away last month). 

It's hard for me to speculate on why my mother was able to survive cancer. Definitely her excellent doctors played a large role. But there are also a lot of subjective factors that I firmly believe helped a huge amount. One of those things was hope in the future and belief in her own ability to help combat cancer. So I am very moved when you write about your determination to help your partner. That alone has a value that is priceless.

Looking back, I suppose my family may have reacted in a somewhat similar way to what you describe. Don't mistake me: Every member of my family loved and adored my mother but we had different ways of expressing that love and we also had different problems in handling our own fears and panic when we heard the news of the diagnosis. For example, my brother's coping mechanism was to withdraw himself and my sister's reaction was to get involved in every aspect of my mother's life, to the point where my parents both felt she was a "benevolent dictator". I also was problematic, I am sure, but I am still so close to the emotions that I cannot tell you what I did that was probably not exactly productive. Point is, most people don't know how to react to such news. It might be that when your loved one's children downplay her emotions, they are not necessarily saying "It's not so bad/serious" so much as trying to express a sense of optimism and love for their mother. They might be trying to make her feel that everything is "normal". I feel very sympathetic when you write that the children are saying asinine things; this was my brother's strategy and it drove me to despair and actually to the point where I thought I might never speak to him again (we do talk now and relate much better than before but that is another story).

Macmillan Cancer Support has a free booklet called Looking After Someone with Cancer. I got a copy at my local library but they also have a free phone 0800 808 00 00 (Mon. to Fri. from 9 am to 8 pm) "for cancer support every step of the way".

I hope this perspective is a little helpful. You raised so many points and I could only speak to a few and from my own experience. I very much admire the obvious love and care you show. It's normal to feel overwhelmed by everything, especially the medical terminology, which just adds to the stress.

Don't be afraid to ask questions and to seek clarification of terms. I found it helped to take a pen and piece of paper to make notes during the doctor's appointments. Don't be afraid to ask your loved one what she wants. Don't be afraid to ask her about what she is feeling and don't be hurt if she cannot talk about it at that moment.

In admiration of your courage and with all respect,

Sabine