Hi
Sorry to be here but I don't know where else to go without crying uncontrollably. As I don't like crying in public i tend not to talk. My mother was given the T diagnosis(am I the only person who despises that word!) In March. She has bowel and liver issues. I actually wish the doctor hasn't used that word because all it has done is filled us with pain, fear and anxiety. I hate the idea of a clock over her or anyone else's head. What about all the people who will die tragically and without warning well before she or anyone else will. He should just have said they weren't treating her anymore. My brave beautiful mother who is 77 has endured so many operations and treatments and it's not fair. I'm 44 and even though in the midst of my blinding despair I know how lucky I am to have here here in middle age. Truth is any amount of time is never enough is it? I'm the one who has walked her to the theatre for yet more operations, I've sat in ICU and a million wards. I've seen her pain and fear while she tried to hide it from me so as i wouldn't worry. I'm still upset and trying to come to terms with those days. I've no room for anymore pain. I feel selfish as she's the one going through it and I've no right to be the one giving out. She is a woman who never smoked or drank, deeply religious, helpful, kind, caring, funny and with a passion for life that you can't imagine. Even now she thinks she's getting better (she thinks the reason the doctor isn't doing more treatment is because she doesn't need it) and wants to live and be well more than you will know. Her favourite role these days is her grandchildren who she waited so long for as I had my children later in life. This is hardest for me..I literally collapse internally when I think what they and she will miss out on..I find myself getting so angry and resentful when I see people her age out and about enjoying life. This should be her and was her until 6 months ago. She was always so healthy and said no to nothing and travelled and loves us all so much. Even though she is pretty much helpless and we do everything for her she still looks at me with those big brown eyes and in those moments I feel like I'm 5 again and want to fall into her arms where she can make it all ok again for me. When i leave her and she tells me to text dad to let them know I'm home safely this kills me altogether. In spite of her issues she is still my mother and I sometimes nearly forget it because your a mother is supposed to make everything better right?! I wish she could put this right..I nearly wish she wouldn't do this as it reminds me of old times but I should be grateful I still have her here right now. I stand to lose my mother who is also my best friend biggest critic (we all need someone to be honest about how we really look sometimes eh!) closest confident, most loving nana. I really don't see the point in living now and I feel like that is such a betrayal considering how much she wants to live. I'm not suicidal by any means but I really don't know how to go on. I do want to go on but I don't know how to. My poor children and I feel sorry for my husband who I'm so dismissive with and irritable towards. I don't tend to confide in him because he doesn't understand and wants to just fix it and be logical about the natural course of life. I believe in an after life and I believe we will all be reunited some day. I have a friend who can't have a baby and as a result finds it so hard to be around babies or young children. I feel the same with people my parents age and in a society where there is an increasing elderly population this is going to be hard to say the least. We had a lovely holiday last year and 2 days after we came home she started to get symptoms. I can't face looking at pictures and when I'm with her and helping her wash I make excuses to leave because I feel I will have to crawl into a corner and cry my head off.i want to cry but stop myself in case I never stop or end up in a really dark and bad place. I am so tired and feel guilty for not being emotionally present my 5 and 3 year old children. I've become obsessive about comparing every person of my mothers age with her. I work out peoples ages to see if I'm the same age as them and how old their mothers are. This has to stop because I know that its the quality not quantity of years that's important. I've friends who lost their mum when they were teenagers and I know people of 60 who still have their mums, none of this is fair and none of this makes sense.
How do you navigate your way through this?
I suppose I'm really here too journal my feelings and I actually feel a bit better after typing this but I know I'll have to face it all again tomor..
Im sorry for anyone reading this who is in my boat. I keep saying that there are better days ahead but don't know how anything will ever be better again without my mother. I see her and my dad every day and they are very involved in our lives which makes it so much harder for me as they are woven into the fabric of my daily life. I know at this age I need to be more independent and mature but I really am struggling. I've always been very dependent on my parents who are both wonderful. I should be grateful.
Please help me put perspective on this..
Denise x
