Hi. I am 22. When I was 19 my dad told me that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer nearly two years ago, but 'everything was going to be fine' and that 'he would be fine'. I had had an inkling that something was up with his health as he had become more withdrawn, more negative and more tired, and kind of more intense as a person. But he never spoke about it and nor did I. Once he told me this I felt confused and angry and denial kicked in because I had been oblivious for so long and it was easier, so I think I must have thought that I could carry on being oblivious. He never spoke about his illness or told me about any of the symptoms. He told me he was having radiotherapy but not chemo. Later I found out that he did have chemo, and had actually been told that he would only live three years on diagnosis. He was diagnosed 5 years ago, and his PSA hit 0.01 in October, but since he has come off hormone therapy it has risen to 0.09. He is going for re-staging at the moment. I don't really understand any of this terminology and he doesn't really like to explain it to me. 

Partly because he hadn't allowed me to be involved or to understand or support him and partly because I probably sub-consciously chose to deny it, I think I refused to accept that anything was wrong with him, and I got frustrated with him for being tired, or 'lazy' when he didn't want to come up to London to see me, or to go out for a meal with me and my mum, or when he wanted to drive instead of walk up the road to the pub. I got frustrated with him for being 'depressive' and 'negative' too. He was on hormone therapy for three years which he has now come off. While he was on the tablets he was weird, depressive, tired, and kind of paranoid, beginning to say quite delusional things like my boyfriend who he had known for 11 years was manipulating me and we fell out massively. Since he's come off the tablets things have got much better with our relationship; him and my boyfriend have reconciled and we are getting close again. 

My grandad has now been diagnosed with lung cancer, and I have been told from the outset, explained the effects and symptoms and I feel much more ready to be there for him than I could with my dad. 

I feel like my dad tried to protect me but in so doing he didn't allow me to be there for him, and I just felt confused, unable to understand how ill he really was. Now that I'm older and that I'm seeing my grandad experience cancer I feel that I've really messed up in the pressure I have tried to put on my dad to exercise and regain his fitness, and to do more activities or else he will create a habit of inactivity. I can't tell whether I'm completely in the wrong to encourage him to do more, as if I didn't he would do very little as he's quite defeatist. He retired at 60 and I kind of resented him for it because ever since then he became quite sedantry and morose. I thought it was the wrong thing to do and I feel that his inactive lifestyle in his 60s has not helped his health. I just don't understand because he doesn't want me to. I love him so much and I want to do the right thing for him but often I think that he makes the wrong decisions for himself. I want him to be happy and healthy as possible but I don't know how to help him be either of these things because left to his own devices he becomes morose and sendatry but I don't want to put pressure on him.