Hello S95,

As I noticed this is your first post with us I just wanted to stop by and welcome you to Cancer Chat.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandad, what a difficult situation this must be for all of you.

There are many members who will be able to relate to what you are going through at the moment and I hope you will soon find some comfort in chatting with them, as talking to those who can understand does seem to help.

Stay strong, S95 and remember we're always here if you need someone to listen.

Warm wishes,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello S95; sorry to learn about your grandad.  I hope you can try to see and talk to your grandad; this evil cancer does affect people but try to tell yourself that in his heart there is still the loving grandad who would be helped by your love.  Just sit with him, talk to him - it doesn't matter what about - your love for him; things you have been doing; it will all get through to him and remind him how loved he is.

I have attached a link to information about what to expect in the final days of your grandad's life.  Please don't feel guilty - we cannot help how we feel - and I think you will feel better if you can play a part in easing your grandad's passing.

Please do post as often you wish if this helps you at all.  Annie

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/dying-with-cancer/last-few-weeks-and-days/final-days

Thank you, I have read the link, all of those things are happening, it's just a matter of when. He's holding on, he seems scared to leave my nan on her own, he seems to think she can't survive in the world without him. He's is so afraid, he's been having nightmares and hallucinations and he's so confused. I was with him yesterday and when i said goodbye he just wouldn't let me go, he kept holding my hands and gave me the longest hug, kept telling me to make sure I look after myself and saying how much he loves me, it really felt like he was saying goodbye for real, like he'd never see me again. 

This is really breaking my heart, I've had a few days off work this week to see him, but i just feel low. I am supposed to be back at work tomorrow but i just don't feel that i can face it, but at the same time I need to save my time off for when the time does come, everything is getting on top of me now, the time i have off is unpaid and I still have the bills to think about, but i want to be with him all of the time. I want to make sure I can be there to tell him i love him everyday, before it's too late. 

Bless you; you are trying to hard to do the right thing.  Reassure your grandad that you will all take care of your nan.  It may be these worries that is makin him hang on.  Can your grandad's doctor give him anything to calm him?  I don't know how difficult it would be for you to see your grandad in the evenings after work - as you say you don't want to take any more time than necessary.  Alternatively take the occasional half-days leave?  I don't of course know the nature of your employment but it may be better for you to go back to work at least some of the time so the problems don't build up.  I am guessing he has othger family members who are visiting him very regularly so he is not totally dependent on you for visiting.    I suppose I am saying that you need to be realistic about what you can manage - I know this is difficult for you.

You know you are always welcome here.  Annie

Yeah, my nan and my mum are always there with him. The doctor has given him everything they can, apparently anything else will just delay the process and it needs to be a natural passing, especially as he's holding on already. 

I work in a bank, but its open 7 days a week and its shift work so some days i start early and other days i start late and finish late, but they expect you to be all happy and build a relationship with the customers and that is going to be hard when my grandad will always be at the back of my mind. It's about an hour and a half by public transport to get to their house as I don't drive yet. I only started this job in december so I don't qualify for sick pay.

I hardly sleep now because i'm petrified of recieving that phonecall, it is all just very exhausting. It's like we are grieving already because he's not the same anymore, but when it happens my heart will well and truly be broken. He is like a dad to me as mine wasn't on the scene. I just wish that he would stop holding on and slip away peacefully, I don't want him to be hurting anymore. 

Thank you for your support, Sasha 

Reading your story is absolutely heart breaking, it’s the exact same thing that has just recently happened with me and my Grandad, he died of a brain tumour few weeks ago, just like you I really struggled to cope with work, looking after nan, putting on a face in Work lasted up until the day he passed, and then since then I haven’t been back to work properly as I bottled it all up.

i am unsure about your situation, but when I knew I had to go work for bills ect I just imagine how much my Grandad push me to ensure I carried on, and how proud he was when I got my job, that helped me go in everyday and focus to keep my job to make him proud.

you are being so strong, it’s horrible the wait, as you know it’s coming, I chose not too go see my Grandad when he slipped into a coma type thing (not sure what they call it) instead I chose to remember the visit I had with him a few days before that, where luckily for me he had a good day, and the thought and memory of that makes me smile still. It will be extremely hard but I promise you it will get easier, please feel free to message at any time 

shan x

Oh I am so sorry to hear that, it is so hard. Did your work support you? I kind of feel like they don't understand because its 'just a grandparent' apparently that doesn't count as immediate family! The Macmillan nurses have been visiting and have told us to expect it to be days rather than weeks.

A part of me wants to do what you did and not see him once he goes into that choma type thing, its so hard to see him like he is now, I just can't get the image of how he looks now out of my head, and of course I don't want to remember him like that. 

I am here  if you want to talk too, I hope you are able to go back to work properly soon, I find that stupid things around me remind me of him which makes it harder, they even changed the songs they play at my work and it reminds me of times going to his house. 

Sasha x

Do you think it would help to speak to your bank's Human Resources section (we used to call them Personnel when I first started work).  Just to put the situation before them so they understand what you are going through.  I imagine that like most large organisations they have rules that apply to all employees; when I worked in a local authority compassionate leave was only authorised for the loss of parents, children or siblings but you could find out.  They may be able to do something for you like rearranging the shifts that you do.

People often talk of anticipatory grief which is exactly what you are experiencing.  You so much fear the phone call that may be missing out on the hear and now of spending time with your grandad.  Try not to

Sorry I keep having trouble with post - first of all it vanished totally and now it has crashed out in the middle of a sentence; I cannot even remember what I was about to say.  Sorry!.  I cannot even remember what I was about to write.  I will try to sort  it out.  Annie

Hiya Sasha.  Reading your latest post I wondered if it was worth asking your Human Resources people if they could rearrange your shifts for the time being to make it easier for you to see your grandad as much as possible.

It sounds as though you are suffering from anticipatory grief; this happens quite often when you are so in fear of receiving the dreaded news you cannot make the most of the time you have left with your grandad.   I wish I could say more to help you; only urge you to make the most of your time left and try not to wear yourself out. Talk with your mum and nan.   Annie

Thank you, I have told my line manager all about it but I'll find out if there is anyone else I can contact. I think you are right about the anticipatory grief, I feel so guilty because I want to be there but i dread seeing him because every time I do he is worse than he was. We've been told to contact the funeral directors now so we now have a number to call for when the time comes so they can take him away, the thought of this scares me so much. 

Sasha